Mother jokes (961 to 975)Jokes about mothers. These are the jokes listed 961 to 975. |
Special cow?
There was a nun whose old body began to surrender to time. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into "worldly pleasures", she huffily declined.
But the Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.
After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged sister approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
Cannibal jokes...
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods.....
When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.......
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.....
Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? Eatin' Allen's......
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts......
What do cannibals make out of politicians? Baloney sandwiches......
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg......
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.......
Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.......
One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like...........
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, 'Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.' The 2nd replies, 'So, try the potatoes.'
No Cavities
One fine afternoon, a smiling boy arrived home from a dental visit. He called out,"Hey mom, I have no cavities today."
His mom stared at him wide-eyed and quite surprised. But she smiled and then frowned, knowing the expected. "Let me guess," she said. "You have not a tooth left."
A couple is dressed and ready ...
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Sibling lessons...
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground two stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?"
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."
Sounds Of The Wild
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
A man goes on a 2-month busine...
A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
Kittens....
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."
100% Polar bear...
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."
A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"
"Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear."
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?"
Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"
"Because I'm freezing to death out here!"
Three Nuns
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore; how do we quit?"The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."
So the nuns left, each of them thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time.
The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?"
And the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."
The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water."
When the nun did, she was no longer a nun and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!"
The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
An 85-year-old widow went on a...
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
