Mother jokes (1006 to 1020)Jokes about mothers. These are the jokes listed 1006 to 1020. |
The Skin Graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.
Good jokes-Just one instance
Suddenly, Jim leaned over and confessed that he had to give the old gal credit for one thing. There was one instance in his life when he would have cut his throat if it weren't for her.
Bob, surprised by the sudden change of heart, asked "Really? What happened?"
Jim said, "She was using my razor."
Front Seat
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said: "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
Go to school!
Mom was trying to get her son to get out of bed and get ready for school. "I am not going to school!" the son responded defiantly.
"Why not?" Mom wanted to know.
"Well, first of all I hate school and second of all ..the kid all hate me!!" was the answer.
"Son, that's not good reasons..you will have to get up and ready for school!" Mom replied.
"Well, give me two good reasons why I should," the son said.
"Well," Mom said quietly, "First of all you are 52 years old and second of all...You are the Principal."
A busy MBA student
She realized how long she had been out of touch with her parents when she received the following e-mail from her mother:
"Dear Betty, your father and I enjoyed your last e-mail. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Mom."
Two mothers-in-law
After the judge passed his sentence, he asked Danny, "Have you learnt your lesson and realized what a bad thing it is to have more than one wife."
"Yes, your honor, I have," he replied.
"What is it that you realized?" the judge asked.
Danny replied, "Having two wives means having two mothers-in-law, and that, in itself, should be grounds enough to support assisted suicide."
Lawyers Dog
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat."Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.
"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.
"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
Spelling...
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
Cold Cream
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Good doggie...
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
Your friend the computer
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing 'com' after every period when using a word.
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows 'no new messages' and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to 'Netscape' before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say 'LOL, LOL'.
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
Twins...
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Negligee
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" 
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
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