Mother jokes (1171 to 1185)Jokes about mothers. These are the jokes listed 1171 to 1185. |
A mother was preparing pancake...
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
Where babies from?
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.Mother, where do babies come from?
Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Jewelry, dear.
Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
“Would you like to go out, girl?” he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, “Oh, yes, I'd love to!”
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.
His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Hilarious jokes-Donald MacDonald
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."
"But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbors?"
"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."
Actual Accident Summaries
The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.—
Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
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I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
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The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
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The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
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I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
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In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
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I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
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The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
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I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
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The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
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I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
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I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
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As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
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My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
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An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
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I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
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I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
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The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
While taking a routine vandali...
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, the policeman was interrupted by a 6 year-old looking up and down his uniform, she asked. “Are you a policeman? “Yes,” he answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right, the policeman told her. “Well, then,” the little girl said as she extended her foot toward him, “would you please tie my shoe?”Early one morning, a mother we...
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son."Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
After the baby was baptized, h...
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car."What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.
Johnny replied: "that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home... I just want her to stay with you guys."
The family of potatoes
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make.""And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.
"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"
"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"
"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
Mother had just finished waxin...
Mother had just finished waxing the floors when she heard her young son opening the front door.She shouted, Be careful on that floor, Jimmy; its just been waxed.
Jimmy, walking right in, replied, Dont worry, Mom, Im wearing my cleats.
The Perfect Man is gentle
...
The Perfect Man is gentleNever cruel or mean.
He has a beautiful smile,
And keeps his face so clean.
The Perfect Man likes children,
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The Perfect Man loves cooking,
cleaning and vaccuuming, too.
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love to you.
The Perfect Man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother,
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry,
Or battered you in any way.
To hell with this endless poem,
The Perfect Man is gay.
