Mother jokes (1426 to 1440)

Mother of Six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Real News Headlines 07

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us: Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut: The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find: The Los Angeles Times, November 2
'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories: Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking: The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers: The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought: The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men: The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: Newsday, July 11

Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Who to Marry

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is.......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Bear Jokes 02

Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?

A: Put him on stilts!

Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A: A polo bear!

Q: Why do polo bears like bald men?

A: Because they have a great, white, bear place!

Q: What do polo bears have for lunch?

A: Ice burger!

Q: What's a teddy bears favorite pasta?
A: Tagliateddy!

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

A: They both have 'the' as their middle names!

Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?

A: It lives on ice!

Q: Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?

A: Because they'd rather go to the cinema!

Q: What is a bear's favorite drink?

A: Koka-Koala!

Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled?

A: Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!

The Preacher and the Microphone

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as

he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the

mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting

wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it

again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third

pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets

loose, will he hurt us?"

Gentle Southern Woman

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father.'
He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.'
She said, 'Well, think of your wife and children.'
He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids.'
She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, ''Who the hell is Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart. You just go ahead and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee.'

My mom is amazing. She told me...

My mom is amazing. She told me, “Some women slow down in their fifties, but me no pause.”

A young woman, in the course o...

A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet.

Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon.

Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"

"Well... yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean lick women down below?"

Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative.

With that, her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped:
"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

Greg Warren: Cheating at Chess

Everything in my parents house is broken. We play chess, and there are six pieces missing from our chess set. So, we replace them with pieces from my moms nativity scene. Were playing chess with the Virgin Mary and goats and wise men, and my Uncle Earl cheats. Its like: Uncle Earl, thats a pawn. Youre not supposed to move him backwards. Thats the son of God, boy! You move him wherever the hell he wants to go.

A note from mom...

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

Where is your beard?

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.
"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?"

Climb The Pole

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.

For whatever reason, she decided to do it.

When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:

"Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"

The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive, and decided to show those boys a thing or two.

The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.

"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.

"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"

Guilt...

A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.

Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"

Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."

Little Johnny watched, fascina...

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.

"To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"