Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (1 to 15)

Where Are You Going?

After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer.
“I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”

Write You A Ticket

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Great short jokes for mid-week laugh

Sadly my obese parrot just died.
But it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself...
I really must wash some cups!

"999. Which emergency service do you require?"
"What time is the next train out of Victoria station?"
"Sir, that is not an emergency."
"It most certainly is, I'm tied to the tracks!"

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.

A midget walks into a library and asked the librarian if there are any books about irony.
The librarian says yes it’s on the top shelf.

How many beans should you put in a pot of chili?
239. Just one more and it'll be too-farty.

My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favourite Star Wars character…
You should have seen the Luke on his face!

My wife was blaming me for ruining her birthday
that's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.

My wife was mad at me because I only spent half a minute celebrating her birthday
In my defense, she told me it was her 32nd birthday

How can you convert dollars to pounds?
By visiting McDonalds

She took me upstairs, got me to take all my clothes off and tied me to the bed..
And that’s why we aren’t allowed in IKEA anymore.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary...

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken.

A woman opened her door to see two policeman standing there...

A woman opened her door to see two policeman standing there.

"Mrs Smith? I'm afraid that Inhave some bad news for you? Your husband was at work, at the brewery, and it seemed that he fell into one of the cats of beer and drowned."

Mrs Smith fell to her knees, clutching at her chest.

"Tell me, officers, did he suffer at all?"

"We don't think so, Ma'am. He got out five times so that he could pee."

Adam, a fresh Navy recruit, was eager on his first day...

Adam, a fresh Navy recruit, was eager on his first day aboard the submarine. He reported to the officer, who sized him up and gave his first order.

"Adam, I need you to stand by the periscope entry and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch it. Understand?"

"Yes, sir!" Adam responded and stood at his post. Fifteen minutes later, the officer returned.

"Adam, I’m reassigning you. Head to the mess hall and start washing dishes."

Without hesitation, Adam complied, scrubbing away at the sink. But after washing only a few dishes, the officer appeared again.

"Adam, change of plans. You're needed in the supply room. Make sure everything’s secured in case of rough waters."

Again, Adam followed the order and made his way to the supply room. Inside, he found another crewman stacking boxes. Adam, a bit frustrated, spoke up.

"Hey, is it normal to keep getting shuffled around like this? I’ve been reassigned three times already, and it’s only been 15 minutes!"

The crewman chuckled and said, "Welcome to the sub, Adam. This place is full of reposts."

Coffee Jokes - to celebrate International Coffee Day

International Coffee Day takes place on October 1, an occasion to celebrate coffee as a beverage and have fun with Coffee Jokes

I like my coffee like “I like my coffee” jokes.
Not made by me.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged!

What do you call sad coffee?
A depresso.

How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.

Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.

What did the coffee say to its date?
"Hey there, hot stuff!"

What's the best Beatles song about coffee?
"Latte Be."

Why did the barista get fired?
They kept showing up latte.

What do you call a cow who's just given birth?
De-calf-inated.

Check out some older Coffee Jokes on page 25 jokes that blend well with coffee

Why do coffee shops have bad Wi-Fi?
Because they want you to espresso yourself instead.

What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
"I don't have a problem; I have a solution."

How is divorce like an espresso?
It's expensive and bitter.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java.

Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch?
Because he was pressed for time.

What do you call it when you steal someone's coffee?
A mugging.

How are coffee beans like teenagers?
They're always getting grounded.

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

Why do programmers prefer dark coffee?
Because light attracts bugs.

What do you call it when coffee hurts you?
A brew-tality.

What do you call a newborn coffee bean?
A little squirt!

How does coffee relax after a long day?
It unwinds by brewing itself.

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

Why do coffee beans always show up early?
Because they get roasted!

Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
He was pressed for time.

What’s a coffee’s favorite spell?
Espresso Patronum!

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What do you call a cow who just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.

How do programmers prefer their coffee?
They like it in Java.

Why do coffee lovers prefer dark roast?
Because light roast keeps them up at night.

What happens when you steal someone’s coffee?
It causes a mug shot!

Why was the coffee shop so quiet?
Because everyone was staying grounded.

I used to be a barista,
but I got fired for being too grounded.

What do you call a sleepy coffee bean?
A drowsy bean.

What do you call a coffee bean that can't sleep?
Caffeinated.

What do you call a coffee bean that's always late?
A tardy bean.

What do you call a coffee bean that's really small?
A tiny bean./p>

What do you call a coffee bean that's really strong?
A robust bean.

What do you call a coffee bean that's really weak?
A feeble bean.

So, officer, let me get this straight...

"So, officer, let me get this straight. You're telling me it's illegal to have 12 glasses of wine and fall asleep on a 5 hour flight? I wasn't rude or rowdy, I didn't yell at anyone. At least two of the passengers were more drunk than me and you didn't arrest them"

Arresting officer: "Well sir, that may be so, but you were the pilot"

Unclear Question

My house had been burglarized and the police were taking a report.
The policeman asked me, "Have you lived here all your life?"
I replied, "Hopefully, not yet!"

A car gets pulled over for inspection because...

A car gets pulled over for inspection because it's driving very slow on the interstate.

officer: ma'am, do you know how slow you were driving

woman: 25mph

officer: why were you driving so slow?

the woman: slow? There are signs everywhere that say I-25, so I was driving that speed.

officer: that's not a speed sign, it's the identification number of the interstate. license and registration, please.

As the driver reaches for the glove compartment, the officer sees the passenger sitting there, pale and shivering.

officer: are you okay? what's the problem?

passenger: we just got off the US-160

Cowabunga

Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.
They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.

How to report a crime