Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (1 to 15)

Great short jokes for mid-week laugh

Sadly my obese parrot just died.
But it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself...
I really must wash some cups!

"999. Which emergency service do you require?"
"What time is the next train out of Victoria station?"
"Sir, that is not an emergency."
"It most certainly is, I'm tied to the tracks!"

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.

A midget walks into a library and asked the librarian if there are any books about irony.
The librarian says yes it’s on the top shelf.

How many beans should you put in a pot of chili?
239. Just one more and it'll be too-farty.

My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favourite Star Wars character…
You should have seen the Luke on his face!

My wife was blaming me for ruining her birthday
that's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.

My wife was mad at me because I only spent half a minute celebrating her birthday
In my defense, she told me it was her 32nd birthday

How can you convert dollars to pounds?
By visiting McDonalds

She took me upstairs, got me to take all my clothes off and tied me to the bed..
And that’s why we aren’t allowed in IKEA anymore.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary...

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken.

A woman opened her door to see two policeman standing there...

A woman opened her door to see two policeman standing there.

"Mrs Smith? I'm afraid that Inhave some bad news for you? Your husband was at work, at the brewery, and it seemed that he fell into one of the cats of beer and drowned."

Mrs Smith fell to her knees, clutching at her chest.

"Tell me, officers, did he suffer at all?"

"We don't think so, Ma'am. He got out five times so that he could pee."

Adam, a fresh Navy recruit, was eager on his first day...

Adam, a fresh Navy recruit, was eager on his first day aboard the submarine. He reported to the officer, who sized him up and gave his first order.

"Adam, I need you to stand by the periscope entry and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch it. Understand?"

"Yes, sir!" Adam responded and stood at his post. Fifteen minutes later, the officer returned.

"Adam, I’m reassigning you. Head to the mess hall and start washing dishes."

Without hesitation, Adam complied, scrubbing away at the sink. But after washing only a few dishes, the officer appeared again.

"Adam, change of plans. You're needed in the supply room. Make sure everything’s secured in case of rough waters."

Again, Adam followed the order and made his way to the supply room. Inside, he found another crewman stacking boxes. Adam, a bit frustrated, spoke up.

"Hey, is it normal to keep getting shuffled around like this? I’ve been reassigned three times already, and it’s only been 15 minutes!"

The crewman chuckled and said, "Welcome to the sub, Adam. This place is full of reposts."

Coffee Jokes - to celebrate International Coffee Day

International Coffee Day takes place on October 1, an occasion to celebrate coffee as a beverage and have fun with Coffee Jokes

I like my coffee like “I like my coffee” jokes.
Not made by me.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged!

What do you call sad coffee?
A depresso.

How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.

Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.

What did the coffee say to its date?
"Hey there, hot stuff!"

What's the best Beatles song about coffee?
"Latte Be."

Why did the barista get fired?
They kept showing up latte.

What do you call a cow who's just given birth?
De-calf-inated.

Check out some older Coffee Jokes on page 25 jokes that blend well with coffee

Why do coffee shops have bad Wi-Fi?
Because they want you to espresso yourself instead.

What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
"I don't have a problem; I have a solution."

How is divorce like an espresso?
It's expensive and bitter.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java.

Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch?
Because he was pressed for time.

What do you call it when you steal someone's coffee?
A mugging.

How are coffee beans like teenagers?
They're always getting grounded.

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

Why do programmers prefer dark coffee?
Because light attracts bugs.

What do you call it when coffee hurts you?
A brew-tality.

What do you call a newborn coffee bean?
A little squirt!

How does coffee relax after a long day?
It unwinds by brewing itself.

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

Why do coffee beans always show up early?
Because they get roasted!

Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
He was pressed for time.

What’s a coffee’s favorite spell?
Espresso Patronum!

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What do you call a cow who just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.

How do programmers prefer their coffee?
They like it in Java.

Why do coffee lovers prefer dark roast?
Because light roast keeps them up at night.

What happens when you steal someone’s coffee?
It causes a mug shot!

Why was the coffee shop so quiet?
Because everyone was staying grounded.

I used to be a barista,
but I got fired for being too grounded.

What do you call a sleepy coffee bean?
A drowsy bean.

What do you call a coffee bean that can't sleep?
Caffeinated.

What do you call a coffee bean that's always late?
A tardy bean.

What do you call a coffee bean that's really small?
A tiny bean./p>

What do you call a coffee bean that's really strong?
A robust bean.

What do you call a coffee bean that's really weak?
A feeble bean.

So, officer, let me get this straight...

"So, officer, let me get this straight. You're telling me it's illegal to have 12 glasses of wine and fall asleep on a 5 hour flight? I wasn't rude or rowdy, I didn't yell at anyone. At least two of the passengers were more drunk than me and you didn't arrest them"

Arresting officer: "Well sir, that may be so, but you were the pilot"

Unclear Question

My house had been burglarized and the police were taking a report.
The policeman asked me, "Have you lived here all your life?"
I replied, "Hopefully, not yet!"

A car gets pulled over for inspection because...

A car gets pulled over for inspection because it's driving very slow on the interstate.

officer: ma'am, do you know how slow you were driving

woman: 25mph

officer: why were you driving so slow?

the woman: slow? There are signs everywhere that say I-25, so I was driving that speed.

officer: that's not a speed sign, it's the identification number of the interstate. license and registration, please.

As the driver reaches for the glove compartment, the officer sees the passenger sitting there, pale and shivering.

officer: are you okay? what's the problem?

passenger: we just got off the US-160

Cowabunga

Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.
They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.

How to report a crime

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ." Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

Falafel jokes - to celebrate International Falafel Day

June 12 is International Falafel Day. Celebrate it with Falafel Jokes

Whenever I see the word 'falafel,' I think 'feel awful.'
It's a serious problem... and I falafel about it.

I ate a bad vegetarian kebab for lunch.
Now I falafel.

A man was found dead in a vat of falafel dressing.
Police are treating it as a hummuscide.

Did you hear about the Grecian who ate a radioactive falafel?
He became a super-gyro.

Why did Allah give falafel and hummus to the Middle East?
They prayed for more gas.

Why did the falafel go to therapy?
It needed to sort out its chickpea issues.

Why did the falafel break up with the pita bread?
It just couldn't handle the "wrapping" pressure.

What did the falafel say to the indecisive tahini?
"Make up your mind, you're too saucey for me."

A woman found out her husband was cheating...

A woman found out her husband was cheating.
So she grabbed a large knife, intending to cut off his penis while he slept. She lifted the blanket and raised the knife over her head. But as she swung it down, he moved slightly and she ended up chopping off his leg instead.
The husband called the police, and they arrested her for assault and attempted murder. But given all the circumstances, the judge decided that she was only guilty of a misseddewiener.

A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down...

A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down.

He pulls over and after messing about with the engine trying to fix it, covering himself in oils and grime, he calls for a mechanic, they tell him they can come in just under an hour to asses the situation.

Dismayed, he also calls his boss to let him know what has happened. His boss informs him that the destination of delivery is simply up the road and asks him to carry the coffin the rest of the way. Upset but recognising the fact that he has nothing better to do, he picks up the coffin and starts dragging it with him up the road. A police officer sees this and approaches him, asking "what are you doing with that coffin? Where are you going?".

Already upset with the situation, the man responds, "I didn't like where they buried me, so I'm moving!"

A guy from the New York City was cruising...

A guy from the New York City was cruising at high speed down a Georgia back road he crested a hill and hit 2 hitchhiking hippies.

One flew 50 feet off the road and into a field, the other smashed through the windshield ending up in the back seat. The sheriff showed up and the very nervous New York City guy asked the sheriff what the charges might be.

After the sheriff surveyed the scene and noted the two were long haired hippies he turned to the NYC guy and said, “well we’ll charge the first one with leaving the scene of an accident and the second one with breaking and entering.

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro rol...

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro roll up to an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, halts them and sternly declares, "It's illegal to cram five people into a Quattro. 'Quattro' means four."
The Englishman, incredulous, retorts, "Quattro is just the name of the car! Check the papers: it's designed for five."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You've got five folks in there; it's against the law."
The Englishman, now irate, demands, "Get your supervisor! I need someone with more intelligence!"
Paddy quips back, "Sorry, Murphy's tied up with two blokes in a Fiat Uno.