Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (301 to 315)

 Funny Jokes About The Irish

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Same as mine. Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.
Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"

#joke #policeman #fruit

A policeman is on scene at a t...

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard", and scratches out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard". Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

 Go To Save My Friend

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.
The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.
Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

Short Cowboy Jokes

Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
A: The police.
Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass."
The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.
The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

Once upon a time the governmen...

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer,then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.

Your house plants are alive, a

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids nextdoor won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condomsand pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm nevergoing to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for realwork.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

 Real News Headlines 01

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

 Know Because Of TV

Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
   
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
   
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
   
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
   
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
   
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
   
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
   
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
   
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
   
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
    
11. People of TV never finish their drinks.
    
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
    
13. The chief of police is always black.
    
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
    
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
    
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
    
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
    
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
    
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
    
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
    
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
    
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
    
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
    
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
    
25. All single women have a cat.
    
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
    
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
    
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
    
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
    
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
    
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
    
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
    
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
    
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
    
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
    
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
    
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
    
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
    
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
    
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
    
41. You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
    
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
    
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
    
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
    
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
    
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
    
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
    
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
    
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
    
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
    

Bad News, Good News, Great News

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

 Washington Crazy Law

It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.

All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle.

People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.

You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.

All lollipops are banned.

You are breaking the law if you sell or place in the stream of commerce a crib that has: corner posts that extend more than 1/16-inch above end panels; slats more than 2 3/8 inches apart; a mattress support that releases easily from corner posts; cutout designs on the end panels; tears in mesh or fabric; missing or loose screws, bolts, or hardware; sharp edges, points, or rough surfaces on wood surfaces that are not smooth and free from splinters, splits or cracks. The new Infant Crib Safety Act in California (AB 3760, Speier), Colorado (SB 98-023,Pascoe and Morrison) and Washington State (SSB 6229, Kohl and Pennington) states that "no commercial user shall manufacture, retrofit, sell, contract to sell or resell, lease, sublet or otherwise place in the stream of commerce, a full-size or non-full-size crib that is unsafe for any infant using the crib.

It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.

You are not allowed to breast feed in public.

When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed.

A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town."

Auburn

Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.

Bremerton

You may not shuck peanuts on the street.

Everett

It is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.

Lynden

Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment.

Seattle

You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.

No one may set fire to another person's property without prior permission.

It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.

Spokane

TV's may not be bought on Sundays.

Waldron Island

No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. -San Juan County Ordinance NO. 7 -1995 (Passed June 7,1995)

Wilbur

You may not ride an ugly horse.

#joke #policeman #animal #horse #food #peanuts #meat

A blonde's car gets a flat ti...

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.

Things we would never know without going to the movies...

During all police investigations it will be
necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with
the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually
take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day
parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets
which reach up to the armpit level on a woman
but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing
there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even
while scuba diving

The ventilation system of any building is the
perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of
looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always
have more ammunition -even if you haven't
been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any
war unless you make the mistake of showing
someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a
German officer, it will not be necessary to
speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent
natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first
concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any
window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating but will wince when a woman
tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will
be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your
wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at
random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any
creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When
entering a kitchen at night, you should open the
fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should
investigate any strange noises in their most
revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on
screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and
waffles for their family every morning even
though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star
detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a
room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to
fire weapons at an object out of our visual
range, people of the 23rd century will have lost
this technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit
bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye
when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight
road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel
vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red readouts so you know
exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside
any building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has
been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any
invading alien civilization (especially a
Macintosh snicker, snicker!!)).

It d

A truck driver hauling a tract

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK". He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, "The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license", he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

A collection of insults!

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.

Man alive! But I wish you weren't.

I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.

You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.

You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.

We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.

I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.

There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.

All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.

I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.

The police recently busted a m

The police recently busted a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.