Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (406 to 420)

Sitting on the edge of the hig...

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, Iwasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"
"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route142" ...

 Cloning The Scientist

A scientist was successful in cloning himself.
He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and shut-up!". Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's fraudulent lying scum!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.
The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person.". The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act go unchallenged.".
The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for "Making an obscene clone fall..."

A man was involved in an auto

A man was involved in an auto accident. A policeman ran up to the car and asked, "Are you seriously injured?" The man said, "How should I know? I'm a doctor not a lawyer."

stopped by the police

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

His beloved old white converti

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police.
Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone.
"We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

A lady went to the police stat

A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband.
Lady: I lost my Husband.
Inspector: What is his height?
Lady: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Lady: Not slim can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Lady: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair?
Lady: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was he wearing?
Lady: Suit... Casuals... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was somebody with him?
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together...
And the lady started crying.
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!

Late video return

Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster.

When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.

Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next

day... they mean it!"

Stopped for speeding...

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place . . . The man says, 'What's the problem, Officer?'

Officer: 'You were going at least 75 in a 55-zone.'

Man: 'No Sir, I was going 65.'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you were going 80.' (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.'

Man: 'Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.' (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.'

Man: 'Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.'

The man turns to his wife and yells, 'SHUT YOUR MOUTH!'

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?'

The wife says, 'No, only when he's been drinking!!!'

A drunk man who smelled of boo

A drunk man who smelled of booze sat down outside a bar on the street curb.
A police officer watched him closely. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the police and asked, "Hey, Mr. Policeman, what causes arthritis?"
The policeman responded, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be darn," the drunk said, returning to his paper.
The police officer, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man with his night stick and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Mr. Policeman. I was just reading here that the chief of police does."

 Problem With A Dog

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

Things to ponder...

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Imagine the scene is sometime

Imagine the scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

Two guys driving through Texas

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."
The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.
"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy assh*le would've tried that sh*t with me!"

Why should you do what a polic

Why should you do what a police dog with pups wants you to do?
Because you should obey the "litter of the law".

 Normal Traffic Stop

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Sunday, December 13, 1992
After police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic stop in Bronson, Fla., in October, a police dog sniffing the trunk became agitated. In the trunk and back seat, officers found the following live animals: 48 rattlesnakes, a Gila monster, 45 non-poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions, several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. Temple said they were just pets.