Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (406 to 420)

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.  

An old man lived alone in Idah...

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

 You Might Be A Redneck If 60

You might be a reneck if...
You've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.
You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together.
People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
You've ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, " I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today."
Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.
You think the internet is a new fishing tool.
There's a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.
Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.
You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.
Your kids can't go out for Hollween because there's nobody within walking distance to get candy from.

According to the FBI, most mod

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticatedand unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This informationwas included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bankbefore robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing theloot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of thefellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while makinghis getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank anddown the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passingpolice car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdupnote by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to theground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelopebearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature andaccount number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried tohold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where heshowed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a notesaying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointmenton his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bankrobbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawingattention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida whotook a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove upto a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered thesecurity men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller'scar, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego andBoston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself inthe head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminalin Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, forexample, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bankholdups reported.

After a particularly poor game...

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about 20 minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

More Things You'd Never Have Known If Not For the Movies:

If you overpower a sentry or guard, his uniform will fit you perfectly.

It is possible to brush your teeth without any toothpaste foam appearing on your lips.

Handsome men don't belch or fart.

If you're a team of misfits and losers, you'll win the championship.

In a large city, the streets are always wet at night.

Most bathrooms do not have a toilet.

All orphans can sing and dance, both alone and in groups.

You'll find a parking space in front of your building in New York.

A person wearing a good latex mask can deceive even close friends of the person the mask depicts.

It usually rains during outdoor funerals.

Police officers may beat the daylights out of a suspect in the course of an arrest, but are careful to guide him gently into the squad car so he doesn't bump his head.

A very successful lawyer parke

A very successful lawyer parked his shiny new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically. His Lexus was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally stopped ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you're not even aware your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Help!" screamed the man. "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

One night at a local bar frequ

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly.
He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00. Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on.
The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Sitting on the edge of the hig...

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, Iwasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"
"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route142" ...

 Cloning The Scientist

A scientist was successful in cloning himself.
He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and shut-up!". Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's fraudulent lying scum!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.
The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person.". The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act go unchallenged.".
The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for "Making an obscene clone fall..."

A man was involved in an auto

A man was involved in an auto accident. A policeman ran up to the car and asked, "Are you seriously injured?" The man said, "How should I know? I'm a doctor not a lawyer."

stopped by the police

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

His beloved old white converti

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police.
Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone.
"We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

A lady went to the police stat

A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband.
Lady: I lost my Husband.
Inspector: What is his height?
Lady: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Lady: Not slim can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Lady: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair?
Lady: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was he wearing?
Lady: Suit... Casuals... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was somebody with him?
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together...
And the lady started crying.
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!

Late video return

Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster.

When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.

Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next

day... they mean it!"