Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (796 to 810)

A Collection Of Insults

I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.
I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
Don't get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can`t take the credit.
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?
I'd like to break the monotony; where's your weakest point?
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank!
You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter.
You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.

A completely inebriated man wa...

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." 
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" 
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." 
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple." 

Virginia Crazy Law

Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.

It is illegal to tickle women.

Driving while not wearing shoes is prohibited. (Repealed)

You may not work on Sunday. (Repealed)

Citizens must honk their horn while passing other cars.

It is illegal to spit on sidewalk.

There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates."

Police radar detectors are illegal.

It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays. (Repealed)

You cannot sell lettuce on Sunday, but you can sell beer, wine etc. (Repealed)

You cannot buy hardware of any kind on Sunday. (Passed in 1975, repealed in 1977)

Culpeper

No one may wash a mule on the sidewalk.

Dayton

A person of color may not be oustide or within the city limits after 7 pm.

Lebanon

It is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.

Norfolk

Women must wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.

A man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere.

Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated.

Richmond

It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee.

Stafford County

It is legal for a man to beat his wife on the courthouse steps so long as it is before 8:00 pm.

Victoria

It is illegal to skate down the sidewalk of Main Street.

Virginia Beach

It is also unlawful to drive by the same place within 30 minutes on Atlantic Avenue.

If you are drunk and not driving your car, and the person who is driving the car is drunk as well, you may both receive DUI's.

It is illegal to use profanity on Atlantic Avenue or the boardwalk.

It is illegal for a person to ride on the handlebars of a bike.

Waynesboro

It is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag.

#joke #policeman #halloween #animal #mule #drinks #coffee #wine #beer

A police recruit was asked dur...

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."

A police recruit was asked dur...

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"
He said: "Call for backup."

In one small rural town the sh...

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Well, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

A man was pulled over for spee...

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver�s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver�s license and registration?"

The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"

So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine. I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"

The man sighed and said, "Yes, sir. I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says, "Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."

The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes later, another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver�s license and registration.

The man said, "Yes, officer, here it is right here."

It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

The man laughs and says, "No officer, why would there be a gun in the glove box."

He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.

The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.

The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.

The second officer says, "Sir, I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."

The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah, and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

A man was pulled over for spee...

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

The Police Academy

Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy

sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first

and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question

before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?"

The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it."

The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."

The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same

thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're

admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?"

The Italian guy says "The Romans did it."

The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."

The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question.

The Polish guy says "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells

him to go home and think about it for a week and come back

and tell him.

The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his

first day went at the academy, and he says to her, "You won't

believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to

a murder case!"

The boss of a big company need...

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

This police officer sees an ol...

This police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time so after driving next to her for awhile he yells to her,"PULLOVER". She replies,"No a pair of socks".

No-Parking Zone

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

Baiting

A truck driver hauling a load of computers stops for dinner.

As he approaches the door, he sees a big sign on the door saying, "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down.

The waiter comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The man says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The waiter says, "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and takes his order.

As he is eating, a skinny guy walks in with tape on his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The waiter, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the nerdy guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The waiter said, "Not to worry. The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his meal, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.

The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.

They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.

So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by yisman

What does receiving a beating ...

What does receiving a beating by police actually taste like? Try the delicious new snack : Truncheon Munch.

Occasionally, airline attendan...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make their announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wings."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude, so I am going to switch off the seat belt sign. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"