Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (826 to 840)

How Fast Was I Going?

"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

New Priest in Town

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.
One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Headline In The Paper

HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.

Voodoo Dick

Voodoo Dick There was this businessman who was getting ready

to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a

flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her

something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he

didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So

he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking

around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was

too close to another man for him. He was browsing through

the dildos, looking for something special to please his

wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't

really know of anything that will do the trick. We have

vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I

don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for

weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man

asked. "Nothing,nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the

'voodoodick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he

asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out

an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened

it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The

businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks

like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied,

"But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a

door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose

out of its box, darted over to the door, and started

screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the

vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before

the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get

back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to

the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!"

said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't

for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The

guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo

and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick,

my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would

be fine while he wasgone. After he'd been gone a few days,

the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people

who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the

voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my

pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started

pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced

before.After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and

tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still

thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing

worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how toshut it

off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they

could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and

started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust

of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her

swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had

to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she

hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in

her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at

her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick,

my ass!"

You boys been drinkin?

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.

"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

Speedy comeback

The police officer got out of his car and the man who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

“I've been waiting for you all day,” the officer said.

The man replied, “Well, I got here as fast as I could.”

When the officer finally stopped laughing, he sent the man on his way without a ticket.

Speeding ticket or....

The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."

The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

Tail light

“How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

“Come on, now,” he said, “you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious.”

“It isn't?” cried the motorist. “Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?”

Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Twenty Bucks

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says. he'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

The new army recruit was servi...

The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but about 5 a.m. she went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”

sleep in the barn

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

Essex tongue

How to speak with an essex tongue!!

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an?item

amant-? Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")

assband? - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.

awss- A? four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost

("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver? t'day")

branna-? More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

dan in the maff- Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit?dan in the

maff")

eye-eels? - Women's shoes

Furrock? - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij -? A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")

Ibeefa -? Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik- Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")

oi oi! -? Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during? banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa -? The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband-? The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from? Craig")

Saffend? - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan -? The city of London, the big smoke

webbats- Querying the location something or someone is ("Webbats is me dole card, Trace? I've? gotta sign on in arf hour")

wonnid -? 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is ("I told ya a fazzand times?already")?

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

Blonde Dials 911

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.
The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.
"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Scripture?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"