Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (901 to 915)

Neverland search

Police raided the Neverland ranch of Michael Jackson again.

He was reported to be so upset, he dangled himself over a balcony.

In the Act

A Howard County Policeman broke up a young couple in the act of lovemaking on a pathway in Columbia.

The girl berated the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities.

The boy was silent throughout the confrontation.

The officer arrested them both anyway.

The girl was charged with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive person on his weapon.

Submitted by Calamjo

The lawyer and the car wreck.

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.

"You lawyers are so materialistic it's amazing!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been.

"Where's my Rolex???"

Three day Pass #jokes #humor

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

A Marine colonel on his way ho...

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"

Tougher than that #jokes #humor

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."

Get Out Of The Car

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.

Before going to Europe on busi...

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Swerve to avoid a box #jokes #humor

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Materialistic lawyers#jokes #humor

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

Question and answer Clinton jokes

Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?

A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?

A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?

A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.

Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?

A: He won't pay her $300.

Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?

A: His face.

Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?

A: Gennifer.

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?

A: Put Janet Reno in charge.

Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?

A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?

A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.

Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?

A: "Trust me."

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?

A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?

A: By the wise look in the eyes.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?

A: He's the stiff one.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None--He'll only promise "change."

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because they can't afford any more pork.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: They've been having turkey for years.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.

Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?

A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?

A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?

A: No fee--If No Recovery!

Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?

A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?

A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?

A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?

A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?

A: Runs away from the draft.

Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?

A: He's got his jogging suit on.

Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?

A: The Dodgers.

Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?

A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?

A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.

Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?

A: For spare parts.

Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?

A: Now it's got two left wings.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?

A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?

A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?

A: Who cares!

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?

A: Trying to save both faces.

Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?

A: The United States of America!

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?

A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?

A: Heredity.

Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?

A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!

Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?

A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.

Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?

A: He turned into Hillary!

Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?

A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?

A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?

A: None. The democrats do that.

Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?

A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.

Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!

Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?

A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?

A: A noose.

Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?

A: Handcuffs.

Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?

A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.

Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?

A: A police lineup.

Q: What's a conservative?

A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

Q: What is a conservative?

A: A liberal who's been mugged.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?

A: Chelsea.

Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?

A: They get elected.

Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?

A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?

A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?

A: To tax the chicken.

Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?

A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?

A: When he's sworn in.

Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?

A: Depends on how many were photographed.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?

A: To meet the chick.

Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?

A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.

Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?

A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.

Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?

A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.

Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?

A: Bill Clinton of course!

Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?

A: A mandate to govern.

Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?

A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?

A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"

Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?

A: He's afraid of the draft.

Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?

A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?

A: Koresh only burned 85 people.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?

A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?

A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.

Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?

A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?

A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?

A: When Hillary leaves town.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?

A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?

A: Highway 55.

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?

A: He is stupid!

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?

A: He keeps having to eat his words.

Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?

A: His heart stops bleeding.

Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?

A: T-A-T-E-R.

Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?

A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?

A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.

Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?

A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?

A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?

A: He's the stiff one.

Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?

A: Grade six.

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?

A: Coffee.

Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?

A: Everything's $100.

Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?

A: To study economics.

Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?

A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.

Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?

A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?

A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?

A: To promote off-shore drilling.

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?

A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?

A: They all make a living by lying to people.

Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?

A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?

A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?

A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".

Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?

A: A competent liberal President.

Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?

A: "Good morning, Bill."

Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?

A: Unite the Republican Party.

Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?

A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?

A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?

A: When he married outside of his family.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?

A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?

A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?

A: Because he filed as head of the household.

Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?

A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?

A: Because they could spell it.

Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?

A: The whine cellar.

Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?

A: There is White-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?

A: There is writing on the White-out.

Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?

A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.

Q: How is Bill like a character actor?

A: When he shows character, he's acting.

Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?

A: Summer Solstice.

Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?

A: Change.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?

A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?

A: "Over Here"

Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?

A: He came dressed as a two-term president.

Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?

A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.

Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?

A: Socialism is dead.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?

A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.

Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?

A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.

Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?

A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.

Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?

A: A water gate.

Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"

A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?

A: They both dominate Bills.

Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?

A: The Conners own their own home.

Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?

A: No one died in Watergate.

Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?

A: Oldielocks.

Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?

A: We have not ruled out military force.

Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?

A: A free stamp.

Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?

A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?

A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.

Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?

A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.

Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?

A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?

A: To attend D-Day celebrations.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?

A: A man without a clue.

Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?

A: He visited Oxford.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?

A: No class and no principals.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?

A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?

A: They both have Bills that are losers.

Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?

A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.

Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?

A: John Elway.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?

A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?

A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.

Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?

A: They both became president without being elected.

Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?

A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.

Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?

A: An optimist.

Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?

A: Teddy Kennedy.

Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?

A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!

Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?

A: He thought he was in a confessional.

Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?

A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.

Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?

A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get away from Bill Clinton.

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?

A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.

Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?

A: The White House.

Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?

A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?

A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.

Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?

A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.

Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?

A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?

A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?

A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!

Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign

A: A snow job.

Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?

A: No Job.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?

A: Vice-president of the United States.

Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?

A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?

A: Nothing . . . yet.

Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?

A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.

Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?

A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.

Getting Old

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh*t."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can’t drink the way I use to" replaces "I’m never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in from of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh sh*t, what the hell happened?"
BONUS:
26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you & can’t find one to save your sorry old butt.

Party Bus #jokes #humor

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks: "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks: "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says: "Oh! They were drinking, huh?!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience: "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

His military etiquette #joke #humor

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.