Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (1066 to 1080)

Monkey Talk

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

A little old lady called 911. ...

A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered she yelled, "Help! Send the police to my house right away!

There's a damned republican on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed!

"I said there is a damned republican on my front porch playing with himself! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Ma'am, how do you know he's a republican?"

"Because, you damned fool, if he were a democrat, he'd be screwing somebody."

barber crime

A Blonde was siting in a barber chair with headphones on.

The barber asked the blonde to take off her headphones, she

replied "No I can't". So the Barber waited for the Blonde to

fall asleep then he took off her headphones. Idmeniently she

died. During the police Investigation one of the officers

listend to the tape the blonde was listning to. This is what

he heard: "Breath in, Breath out, Breath in, breath out.....

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate...

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia.
Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer,
"What is your business in Australia?"
"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.
The customs officer then asked,
"Do you have a conviction record?"
Confused, the Kiwi then replied,
"I didn't think you still needed one."

An elderly couple was driving ...

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

Ma'am, did you know you were speeding? the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, What did he say?

He said you were speeding! the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

I see you are from Arkansas, the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

Actual newspaper headlines....

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Old is when...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Honey, I can't do both!'

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'Getting a little action' means, 'I don't need to take any fiber today.'

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

You start saying things like, 'Gee, this sebaceous cyst is killing me!'

Someone mistakes you for a sun-dried tomato while you're shopping at the grocery store.

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to pee!

A man is struck by a bus on a ...

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

Mr. Policeman, says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . .

What Not to Say to a Policeman

-- I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-- Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.
-- Wow, you mustve been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-- Youre not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-- You look just like my girlfriends deadbeat ex-husband.
-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?
-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and its miles ahead of me.
-- If you have to ask if Ive been drinking, Im not going to tell you, dude.
-- It wasnt my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
-- Thats a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
-- If Id known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

It seems a certain crook had t...

It seems a certain crook had the bad habit of spitting tobacco juice. And he didn't exactly care where he spit.

A keen eyed detective noticed tobacco juice stains on some papers that had been ransacked at an insurance office where a burglary had occurred. Since none of the ladies in the office chewed tobacco, he reasoned the spit belonged to the thief and took a DNA sample.

Tobacco spit was also found at five other crime scenes in the area. The DNA in all of them matched.

The police had a suspect for the robberies and got a warrant to test his DNA. Voila! It matched. They are expecting a conviction.

Where ya from, Sam?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

Top Sarcastic Police Comments

'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

TV star Jonathan Ross has been...

TV star Jonathan Ross has been caught shoplifting in Harrods' kitchen department.

Lucky Driver

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
What are you going to do with the prize money? the officer asks.
The man responds, I guess Ill go to driving school and get my license.
His wife says, Officer, dont listen to him. Hes a smart aleck when hes drunk.
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, I knew we wouldnt get far in this stolen car.
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, Are we over the border yet?

I'm lost

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Chips and beer."