Redneck jokes (91 to 105)

Rednecks Go Fishing

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

 You Might Be A Redneck If 40

You might be a redneck if...
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You Might Be A Redneck If 20

You might be a redneck if...
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Redneck Divorce

Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.

You Might Be In A Redneck Hotel

You know you're in a redneck hotel when you phone the front office and say, "I've got a leak in the sink."

And they say, "Go ahead!"

You Might Be A Redneck If 73

You might be a reneck if...
Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.
Your bumper sticker reads "If you're missing your cat, look in my treads. "
You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You've ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she'd take the hint.
Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.
You place a classified asking less than $1.
You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.
Higher math means counting over 10.
The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
You have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.

You Might Be A Redneck If 70

You might be a reneck if...
You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.
Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.
Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.
You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.
You're wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver's license pic.
You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.
You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.
You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.
You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.
Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.

Monster Mystery

What has 72 arms and 36 heads an has an I.Q. of 12?

A redneck bar on Friday night

The Redneck Animal Park

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare

species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla

became very "in the

mood", and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the

problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse,

there were no male gorillas of the species available. While

reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed

Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the

animals' cages.

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed

ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the

park administrators thought

they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a

proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the

gorilla for $500?

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the

matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their

offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I

don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never

tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly

agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third

condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week

to come up with the $500."

A redneck's last words are alw...

A redneck's last words are always, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

You might be a redneck if 63

You might be a reneck if...

You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.

You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.

You think the only tools "real men" need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.

You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.

You name your car the General Lee.

You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.

You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.

Warp drive describes the condition of your car.

Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.

You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".

Redneck Etiquette

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

You might be a redneck if 54

You might be a reneck if...

Your best coat is a black and red checkered.

You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.

You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.

You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.

You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.

You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.

You've ever been given a gun as a present.

Flannel is your favorite color.

You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.

Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.

You might be a redneck if 36

You might be a redneck if...

You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.

You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.

You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again.

You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.

You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.

Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.

You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.