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Short jokes - funny one liners (481 to 520)Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 481 to 520. |
A Problem Shared
They say that "a problem shared is a problem halved..."
I'm not too sure about that as last night I told my wife that my girlfriend was pregnant.
I'm psychic
I'm psychic. Seeriously.Empire of constipated software
Who made a fortune with his empire of constipated software?
Bilge Ates.
Do You Reject the Devil?
A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites."Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest."This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author. No Chants
Why can’t Satan’s cheerleading squad win any competitions?
Because they have literally no chants in Hell.
I stuck my head in a printing press
I stuck my head in a printing press, because I wanted to learned about type faces.Times Change
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them."
Wet joke
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled.
"I'm so wet, give it to me now!”
She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
Pierre Trudeau
When reporters asked Pierre Trudeau if his carpet would ever match his drapes, he replied “Just swatch me!”
Teen
There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 19.
At the age of 65 my Grandma started walking 10 kilometers a day.
She’s 92 now and we have no idea where she is.
Car-synergic
Why are there so many cigarette ads at auto races? Because the tobacco companies will profit from car-synergic events.
My North Korean Friend
I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea.
He said he can’t complain.
Ex-wife jokes
my ex-wife still misses me
but her aim is getting better!
i tried to remarry my ex wife
she figured I was only after my money
I swapped my wife's lipstick with super glue
She's still not talking to me
The annoying crow
The annoying crow who wouldn't shut up lost its job. Why?Well, there was just caws.
Favourite cuisines
A prison inmate’s favourite cuisine is Cajun.
A dominatrix’s favourite cuisine: Thai.
A bridgesbuilder’s favourite: Spanish.
Race car driver’s favourite: Russian.
Track and field star’s favourite: Polish.
Tense disagreement
Have you heard about the kid who was going to argued with his dad?
There was a tense disagreement.
Original joke by @nogueydude
Country with no R
Geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no R in it.
I said, "No way."
High maintenance
My new landlady made a pass at me. I declined, because I didn't want a Hi, mate tenants, relationship.
Rude Wife
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude to me.
She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back
Job interview
On a job interview, the manager handed me his laptop and said, "Sell this to me."
So, I took it, left the office, and headed back to my place.
Eventually, he phoned me and demanded, "Return my laptop immediately!"
I said, "$300, and it's yours!"
Tooth Decay
I use an extra sensitive toothpaste...
It doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
Best Served Cold
Justice is a dish best served cold...
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Batteries Not Included
I was so unpopular at school they used to call me "Batteries"...
Because I was never included in anything.
When Jesus rose from the dead
When Jesus rose from the dead and appeared to Mary Magdalene, in disbelief, she exclaimed “No way!”I have a cool aunt
I have a cool aunt. I call her Auntie Freeze.
On Your Marks
Two n*dists were discussing politics.
One says, “Have you read Marx?”
The other nods, “It’s these blasted wicker chairs."
