Sport jokes (1621 to 1635)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 1621 to 1635. |
A man went to visit his 90 yea...
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather who lived way out in the boondocks. After he'd spent the night, his grandfather fixed him bacon and eggs for breakfast.Noticing a heavy film on his plate and he questioned, "Grandpa, are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
Later on that afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Grandpa, are you sure these plates are clean?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather replied, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later on that afternoon, and feeling a bit queasy, he decided to go to a nearby town for dinner.
As he was leaving, his Grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. He called out, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the baseball game he was watching, Grandpa shouted back, "Coldwater, get your flea bitten ass out of the way!"
Grandma has changed #jokes #humor
In the dim and distant pastWhen life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
Going Ice Fishing #jokes #humor
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
Brian Regan: First Day at the Gym
I go over to this other area where theres nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I dont know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and I just start moving stuff. This guy comes up: Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painters scaffolding?A group of friends who went de...
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter retuned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck. “Where is Mike?” asked another hunter. “He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Mike’s partner answered. “You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?” “A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Mike.”Man Killed On Golf Course
A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens' tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,
"I guess all those f*cking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it! You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck.
Baseball boy...
A little boy walked up to homeplate in an empty baseball field, with his bat and ball in hand.
As he threw the ball up in the air, he proclaimed, "I am the best ball player ever!" He swung with all his might, but missed.
He did the same thing and missed again.
He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time, said "I am the best ball player in the world!" Then he swung and missed again.
"Wow!" he said. "What a pitcher!"
Steve Byrne: Half-Korean, Half-Irish
Its weird when youre a mix. People just want to play detective with your face. Nine times out of 10, theyre polite: Where are you from? Im like, Pittsburgh. Theyre like, Pittsburgh, right. Seriously though, where are you from? Pittsburgh. Like Im from some mutant island south of the Philippines, the island of Half Asia. Its just me, Keanu Reeves and Tiger Woods on a beach all day playing volleyball.Things we would never know without going to the movies...
During all police investigations it will benecessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with
the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually
take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day
parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets
which reach up to the armpit level on a woman
but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing
there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even
while scuba diving
The ventilation system of any building is the
perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of
looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always
have more ammunition -even if you haven't
been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any
war unless you make the mistake of showing
someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a
German officer, it will not be necessary to
speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent
natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first
concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any
window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating but will wince when a woman
tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will
be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your
wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at
random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any
creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When
entering a kitchen at night, you should open the
fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should
investigate any strange noises in their most
revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on
screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and
waffles for their family every morning even
though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star
detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a
room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to
fire weapons at an object out of our visual
range, people of the 23rd century will have lost
this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit
bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye
when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight
road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel
vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red readouts so you know
exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside
any building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has
been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any
invading alien civilization (especially a
Macintosh snicker, snicker!!)).
It d
The room was full of pregnant ...
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
A Hole in One
A rabbi loved to play golf, but he never seemed to have time. He couldn't play on Shabbat, there was religious school on Sundays, and on days off, something always comes up.
But, amidst all the activity of the High Holidays, he got a very early tee time before services on Yom Kippur.
A passing angel saw him and reported to the Lord. "I'll take care of him," was the casual response, and the angel hurried back to the golf course to watch.On the next hole, the rabbi got a hole in one.
Baffled, the angel returned to question the Lord. "Weren't you going to punish him for playing golf on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar?" the angel asked. "He just got a hole in one!"
"I know," replied the Lord. "But who's he going to tell?"
The golf shot...
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit theblasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
Parenting evolution #jokes #humor
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:Feeling the Baby Move
First Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.
Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.
Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.
Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.
The Trip to the Hospital
First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.
Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.
Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.
Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.
The First Step
First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.
Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.
Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.
Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.
The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut
First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.
Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.
Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.
Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.
Safe to fish here? #jokes #humor
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!""Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
