Sport jokes (1621 to 1635)

Baseball boy...

A little boy walked up to homeplate in an empty baseball field, with his bat and ball in hand.

As he threw the ball up in the air, he proclaimed, "I am the best ball player ever!" He swung with all his might, but missed.

He did the same thing and missed again.

He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time, said "I am the best ball player in the world!" Then he swung and missed again.

"Wow!" he said. "What a pitcher!"

Steve Byrne: Half-Korean, Half-Irish

Its weird when youre a mix. People just want to play detective with your face. Nine times out of 10, theyre polite: Where are you from? Im like, Pittsburgh. Theyre like, Pittsburgh, right. Seriously though, where are you from? Pittsburgh. Like Im from some mutant island south of the Philippines, the island of Half Asia. Its just me, Keanu Reeves and Tiger Woods on a beach all day playing volleyball.

Things we would never know without going to the movies...

During all police investigations it will be
necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with
the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually
take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day
parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets
which reach up to the armpit level on a woman
but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing
there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even
while scuba diving

The ventilation system of any building is the
perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of
looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always
have more ammunition -even if you haven't
been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any
war unless you make the mistake of showing
someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a
German officer, it will not be necessary to
speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent
natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first
concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any
window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating but will wince when a woman
tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will
be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your
wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at
random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any
creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When
entering a kitchen at night, you should open the
fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should
investigate any strange noises in their most
revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on
screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and
waffles for their family every morning even
though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star
detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a
room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to
fire weapons at an object out of our visual
range, people of the 23rd century will have lost
this technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit
bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye
when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight
road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel
vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red readouts so you know
exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside
any building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has
been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any
invading alien civilization (especially a
Macintosh snicker, snicker!!)).

It d

The room was full of pregnant ...

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

A Hole in One

A rabbi loved to play golf, but he never seemed to have time. He couldn't play on Shabbat, there was religious school on Sundays, and on days off, something always comes up.
But, amidst all the activity of the High Holidays, he got a very early tee time before services on Yom Kippur.
A passing angel saw him and reported to the Lord. "I'll take care of him," was the casual response, and the angel hurried back to the golf course to watch.On the next hole, the rabbi got a hole in one.
Baffled, the angel returned to question the Lord. "Weren't you going to punish him for playing golf on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar?" the angel asked. "He just got a hole in one!"
"I know," replied the Lord. "But who's he going to tell?"

The golf shot...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit theblasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Parenting evolution #jokes #humor

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:
Feeling the Baby Move
First Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.
Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.
Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.
Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.
The Trip to the Hospital
First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.
Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.
Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.
Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.
The First Step
First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.
Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.
Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.
Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.
The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut
First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.
Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.
Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.
Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.

Safe to fish here? #jokes #humor

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

Quiet

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."

Dear Husband:

I'...

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

---

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.


I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

The economy is so bad that:CEO...

The economy is so bad that:CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Prison VS. Being a Houswife #jokes #humor

In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.
In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.
In prison, all your medical care is free.
At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?
In prison, you get your own personal toilet.
At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.
In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.
In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.
In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.
In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.
At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

Rules

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

Things only learned in College #jokes #humor

1. Quarters are like gold.
2. Be creative in the dining hall.
3. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos
7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)
9. Showers become less important.
10. Sleep becomes more important.
11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
12. Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").
13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).
15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.
17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.
18. You begin to nap again (also not new).
19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
20. Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
21. Labs used to be fun.
22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.
24. E-mail becomes your second language.
25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.
31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have.
32. Roadtrip whenever possible.
33. Pick up all new lingo.
34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
35. Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
37. The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.
39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom...and no curfew.
42. It was never this bad when you got sick.
43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.
45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression...it's not!
46. You'll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.
47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.
48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.
51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.
53. Disney movies are more than just classics.
54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.
56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.
57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.
59. ATMs are the devil's advocate.
60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
61. You almost forget how to drive.
62. You'll drink anything if it's free..
63. People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced.
64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
65. The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.
66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance.
67. You never realized how cool you can be.
68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.
70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.
71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.
72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.
73. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.
74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties...
75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).
79. Procrastination becomes an art.
80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).
81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.
83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.
84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.
86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.
87. Classes: the later the better.
88. The cute girls actually talk to you now.
89. Care packages make it all worthwhile.
90. The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.
91. Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.
92. You just don't learn last names.
93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.
95. Card games never lasted for hours before.
96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
97. Boys will dance in college.
98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
99. You are never alone.
100. You find out what beer sludge is.
101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
106. You never realized how quiet your house was.
107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.
108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
110. Your life will never be the same again.

Politically Correct with women #jokes #humor

How to be politically correct with women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE