Sport jokes (1936 to 1950)

The Devil And The Golfer

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

Mark the spot...

Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake.

They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home."

On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know?"

"Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water."

"Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seen you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!"

Genesis rewritten....

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created man in His own image; male and female created He them.

And God looked upon man and woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And the devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.

And the devil said to man: "You want fries with that?" And man said, "Supersize them." And man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the devil brought forth chocolate. And woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try My crispy fresh salad."

And the devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And the devil created sour cream dip. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the devil saw and said, "It is good."

And man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the devil canceled man's health insurance.

Then God showed woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And God created the life-giving tofu. And woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked man, "Do I look fat?"

And the devil said, "Always tell the truth."

And man did. And woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight Watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of time, woman received the exercise machine from man in the property settlement.

It didn't help her, either.

Q&A: Best Babysitter in the Bible

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Q: What Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Jack and Joan were having some...

Jack and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

But soon Jack realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning drive with some pals to a golf match.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and therefore lose the "war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning, Jack woke up, only to discover that it was 9 a.m. and that his friends left for the golf course without him.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper read, "It's 5 a.m. Wake up."

St. Peter and the Blonde

Some ecclesiastical gentlemen -- a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others -- were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter. After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church. How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him: "While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car. She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined."

This Is My First Golf Lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

One Day the Devil challenged t...

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"

Did Noah Go Fishing?

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her young students about Noah and the ark. She asked them what they thought Noah may have done to pass the time in the ark for forty years. After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, “Maybe he did a lot of fishing. How about that?”
One little boy gave her a funny look and said, “I don't think so. It’s kinda hard to fish with just two worms!”

School Collection 07

A history joke
What was King Arthur's favourite game?
Knights and crosses!

A history joke
Where was the Declaration of Independance signed?
At the bottom!

A history joke
Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!

A history joke
Wish I had been born 1000 years ago!
Why is that?
Just think of all the history that I wouldn't have to learn!

A history joke
Did the Native Americans hunt bear!
Not in the winter!

Once upon a time, not so long ...

Once upon a time, not so long ago there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Minnesota. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish.

Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none.

That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says, "Al, I think George W. is a low-life cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.

The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Bill Clinton says to Al, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?"

"He sure is, Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice."

Kids Thoughts on Marriage
...

Kids Thoughts on Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Two dumb fishermen decided to ...

Two dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake. After fishing for hours at various spots and catching nothing, they decided to try one more time before calling it quits. Suddenly, fish started biting and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes.

"Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we'll know where to fish," the first man told his buddy.

"Good idea," the second man replied, taking out a can of spray paint and making a large X on the floor of the boat.

"Why'd you do that?" his friend asked.

"Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish."

There is a man who has three g...

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

Q: Why do Can...

Q: Why do Canadians do it doggy-style?


A: So they can both watch the hockey game!