Sport jokes (1996 to 2010)

OJs Clock

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks that this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are...

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday"

Five doctors went duck hunting...

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physician, a paediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.

After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the paediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

A Cultural Comparison

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.


Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.


Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.


Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.


Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.


Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.


Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

The Local Strip Club

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

The millionaire...

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything they desire of mine, to the person who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked!

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!"

What have I said!

<...

What have I said!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned...and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right >now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and sprea d his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Begin Emergency Landing

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

Famous Mothers Quotes

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written!”

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.”

THE COLORECTAL SURGEON'S...

THE COLORECTAL SURGEON'S SING-A-LONG

We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine

Respect the colorectal surgeon
It's a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let's all do the finger wave

When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks

Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows...
He'll get you in the end!

Why the colorectal surgeon?
It's one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?

When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, "Hey it's nice to meet you
But do you mind? We don't shake hands."

He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages

A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play
But this is not quite what he meant...
By eighteen holes a day!

Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine!

Respectfully Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

Into the Olympics...

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He is not to bright. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. USA. Fencing."

You Might Be A Redneck If 69

You might be a reneck if...

You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.

Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.

The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y.

You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o.

Your dog's shots are up to date but your children's aren't.

You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.

Your whole family sleeps in the same bed.

You consider your annual bath one too many.

You wore a baseball cap to the opera.

If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse.

If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.

CANADIAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSIO...

CANADIAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART
All temperatures in Fahrenheit

70 - Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. People in Canada go swimming in the Lakes.

60 - North Carolinians try to turn on the heat. People in Canada plant gardens.

50 - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Canada sunbathe.

40 - Italian and English cars won't start. People in Canada drive with the windows down.

32 - Distilled water freezes. Lake Superior's water gets thicker.

20 - Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats. People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt.

15 - Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0 DEGREES - People in Miami all stop moving. Canadians lick the flagpole.

20 BELOW - Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Canada get out their winter coats.

40 BELOW - Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Guides of Canada are selling cookies door to door.

60 BELOW - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

80 BELOW - Mt. St. Helen's freezes. People in Canada rent some videos.

100 BELOW - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

297 BELOW - Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.

460 BELOW - ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kalvin scale). People in Canada start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 BELOW - @!#$ freezes over.
The Americans win a gold medal in hockey

Is Sex Good For You?

...

Is Sex Good For You?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special runners!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.