Sport jokes (346 to 360)

A husband and wife were out pl

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drives off to the right and the other drives off to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!"

 Clean Jokes About The Irish

Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.
"What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon.
"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.
"Caught anything?"
"Ach, nae a bite,"
"What are ye usin' fer bait?"
"Worms"
"Let me see it," said O'Bannon.
MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.
"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.
"No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"

#joke #animal #worm #sport #fishing #father

 You Might Be A Redneck If 22

You might be a redneck if...
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

 Revised Christmas Days

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

A guy is having marital problems

He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened into specialized in parrots.
As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”
The parrot says, “With my prick, you dummy.”
The guy is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish.”
The guy says, “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.”
The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.
When he comes home from work the parrot tells him what Obama said, whether the A’s won, or the Giant’s lost, what the pope did and so on.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”
The guy says, “What’s up?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this but the mail man came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”
The guy says, “Oh, a momentary flight of passion.”
The parrot says, “Then he fondled her breasts.”
The guy says, “He did?”
The parrot says, “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”
The guy says, “My God, what happened next?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

 Strange Grants Given

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:
According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.
Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.
Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary.
Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.
A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.

1. Refuse to take action on na

1. Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them.
2. Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your life and blow them out of proportion.
3. Consider the power of negative thinking.
4. Hide your sense of humor. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your vocabulary; concentrate on frowning.
5. If you've been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are.
6. Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you are awake day and night.
7. Practice the art of "hurry up and wait". This means dashing off to join a line-up somewhere - like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet.
8. Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front.
9. To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the starting grid for the Indy 500.
10. Never read a book or listen to music.
11. Play "Hide and Seek" by concealing important documents from yourself.
12. Delegate nagging problems. You've proved that you can't deal with them.
13. Tell yourself that your abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this conviction until you are fired for lack of competence.
14. Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be unproductive and you won't come away with a long list of things to do.
15. Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse.
16. When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass out.
17. Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful if you don't like it.
18. When things are going badly, knock your head against the wall. The resulting headache will supersede the original problem.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

 Business One-liners 46

The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The workbench is always untidier than last time.
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back.
There are no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas Edison, remarking about his laboratory
There are no winners in life...only survivors.
There are only two forces that unite men, fear and self-interest...Napoleon
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.
There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.

Why Is This Night Different?

During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down."That's a great honor," George said. "Why would you turn it down?""Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that.""So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference.""Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?""Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... 'Why is this night different from all other nights?' Can you say that in Hebrew?""Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

My grandmother started walking

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would haveput them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.
I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add oneminute to your life ....
This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend anadditional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would haveput them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.
I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add oneminute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend anadditional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

 English Language

The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

A guy took his blonde girlfrie

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Hunting Season

The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”One hunter said, "Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe.”