Sport jokes (556 to 570)

What Do You Want For Our 40th Wedding Anniversay?

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for our anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

Things You'd Never Know If It Weren't For The Movies

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one...dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, heiroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says 'I'll be right back', they won't.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

A guy is having marital proble...

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says, "With my prick, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discus politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Obama said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this but the mail man came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did?"
The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

 Question And Answer

Biblical Questions and Answers
Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments; at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Executive recruiting...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives whom she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're STAFF."

A man entered the bus with bot...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full ofgolf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and hisbulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It'sgolf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at himthoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity anylonger, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

For everyone who has ever had...

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

A golf challenge

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Too Much Hunting

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"   

A Guide To Man Language

A Guide To Man Language
"I'm going fishing." Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing." Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break honey, you are working too hard." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Means: "Are you still talking?"
"You know how bad my memory is." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."
"I can't find it." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Bad Day of Golf

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

 You Might Be A Redneck If 32

You might be a redneck if...
Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.
You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.
You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.
You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
You've ever shoplifted Spam.
You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.
Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.

Marriage...A childs perspective

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pre tty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10

Football Tryout

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

A man calls home to his wife a...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting. Would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife that she is, she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did, they were in your tackle box."