Sport jokes (1261 to 1275)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 1261 to 1275. |
Cold Water
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
Losing Weight
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...".
Golf on Christmas...
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take your sweater, looks like it might be windy out there'."
A father and son went deep-sea...
A father and son went deep-sea fishing. Out at sea, the father sees his son drilling a hole in the boat, when asked what he was doing, the son replied, "there's water coming into the boat, so I made a another hole for it to escape."A bowl of soup...
Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at his Mother in law's place and ask for something to drink.
When he got there, she said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of soup."
There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of attention. Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly."
Bill, his father in law replied, "Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
John Mulaney: Body Is Bad at Sports
My body is bad at sports: thats the problem. I say that my body is bad at sports because I think my brain is good at sports. I think that my brain understands how a human being could dribble down a basketball court and then make a layup. But then it has to outsource the job to my weird and feminine limbs. So when I play basketball, it looks like I just bought my body and I dont know how it works yet.Morty was in his usual place i...
Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
Repair Job
A blonde was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a dreadful hailstorm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls and her car got dented up very badly.
The next day, she takes the car to a repair shop to have the dents looked at.
The repair guy, noticing that she is blonde and pretty flaky, decides to have some fun and tells her to blow into the tailpipe of the car really hard when she gets home, and that doing so will cause all of the dents to pop out.
When she gets home, she starts blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she can, over and over. Just then, her best friend -- who also is blonde -- shows up. Her friend sees her blowing into the tailpipe and is quite startled by the action. She blurts out: "What are you doing?"
She tells her the repair guy told her to blow into the tailpipe real hard and the dents would pop out.
Her girlfriend says: "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"
Golfing with ...
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day. They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee. The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water. To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green. The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water. The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.
The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink. As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth. At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft. As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole...
Moses turns to Jesus and says "You know, I hate golfing with your Father."
Parachuting
A blind man was describing his favorite sport: parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
Would you a get a girlfriend if I died?
Wife: "Would you get a girlfriend again if I died?"
Husband: "Of course not."
Wife: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Ok, I would marry again." (annoyed)
Wife: "Oh..." (sad)
Husband: -silence-
Wife: "Would you live in our house?"
Husband: "Sure, it's a great house."
Wife: "Would you two sleep in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "I guess I would, it's almost new."
Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs, too?"
Husband: "No, she's left handed."
Wife: -silence-
Hilarious jokes-Things to do in the toilet stall
1. Gina once stuck her palm open under the stall wall and asked her neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Jack said to nobody in particular "OMG, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Bobby would cheer and clap loudly every time somebody broke the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Patrick once said, "Well, I've never seen that color before."
5. Pablo, the practical joker, once dropped a marble and said, "Heavens!! My glass eye!!"
6. Tom said, "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Ryder grunted and strained real loud for 30 seconds and then dropped something into the toilet bowl from eight feet high..then sighed relaxingly.
8. Ryan said, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Bobby said, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Pablo once filled up a container with Mountain Dew, squirted it erratically under the stall walls of his neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Tom said, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters."
12. Jack, using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and dropped it under the stall wall of his neighbor. Then said, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Bobby said "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Patrick said, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot!!"
15. Ryan said, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Ryder played a well known drum cadence over and over again on his butt cheeks.
17. Before he unrolled toilet paper, Pablo conspicuously laid down his "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Patrick once lowered a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so he could see his neighbor and said, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Gina once dropped a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sang "Born Free"
20. Jack took a Snickers candy bar with him, squished it in his hand, reached under the stall wall and said "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
Give Budda a chance
It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"
Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance.
Bubba is told that he will be given a "one question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.
The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"
There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more chance!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Duck Hunting
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."
"What's country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says: "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says: "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."
The farmer grins: "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."
Silk Pyjamas
A man calls home to his wife and says,"Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes lots of Walleye, some Blugill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies.
"I did, they were in your tacklebox!"
