Sport jokes (1261 to 1275)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 1261 to 1275. |
Hilarious jokes-Things to do in the toilet stall
1. Gina once stuck her palm open under the stall wall and asked her neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Jack said to nobody in particular "OMG, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Bobby would cheer and clap loudly every time somebody broke the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Patrick once said, "Well, I've never seen that color before."
5. Pablo, the practical joker, once dropped a marble and said, "Heavens!! My glass eye!!"
6. Tom said, "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Ryder grunted and strained real loud for 30 seconds and then dropped something into the toilet bowl from eight feet high..then sighed relaxingly.
8. Ryan said, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Bobby said, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Pablo once filled up a container with Mountain Dew, squirted it erratically under the stall walls of his neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Tom said, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters."
12. Jack, using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and dropped it under the stall wall of his neighbor. Then said, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Bobby said "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Patrick said, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot!!"
15. Ryan said, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Ryder played a well known drum cadence over and over again on his butt cheeks.
17. Before he unrolled toilet paper, Pablo conspicuously laid down his "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Patrick once lowered a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so he could see his neighbor and said, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Gina once dropped a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sang "Born Free"
20. Jack took a Snickers candy bar with him, squished it in his hand, reached under the stall wall and said "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
Give Budda a chance
It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"
Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance.
Bubba is told that he will be given a "one question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.
The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"
There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more chance!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Duck Hunting
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."
"What's country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says: "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says: "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."
The farmer grins: "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."
Silk Pyjamas
A man calls home to his wife and says,"Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes lots of Walleye, some Blugill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies.
"I did, they were in your tacklebox!"
10 Things You Never Hear in Church
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Really funny jokes-Oroville
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a lateral hazard. "Oroville!" exclaimed Father Richard again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, Father Richard got lucky and his drive landed on the green only five inches from the hole! He said, "Praise be to God!"
He was careful with his shot, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in.
His reaction was "Oroville!"
By this time, the clergyman was too curious not to ask, so he questioned the priest why he kept saying the word "Oroville".
"It's the largest dam I know." Father Richard replied.
Funny jokes-Who needs Nursing home care
What with the average cost for a nursing home care touching $200 per day, we have found a better option when we are old and need to be taken care of.
We've checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, they are offering $73.56 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves us with a host of benefits:
# $126.44 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we like, room service, laundry, TV movies or any other expenses.
# Not just that, they provide a spa, swimming pool, gym, washer-dryer, and other facilities.
# Other than that, we get free toothpaste, shampoo, soap and razors.
# If we give even $5 worth of tips a day, we'll have the entire staff scrambling to help us.
# Best part - they treat us like a customer - not a patient.
# We get a city bus from the bus stop across the street and we seniors ride free.
# If we can fake a limp, that's even better - the handicap bus will pick us up .
# We have a church bus service on Sundays to meet other nice people.
# For a change of scenery, we take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While we're at the airport, we have the option to fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps piling up.
# It would have taken us months to get into a decent nursing home. Holiday Inn will take care of our reservation today.
# Another advantage - we are not stuck at one place forever - we can move from Inn to Inn, or from city to city.
# Want to see exotic places? Holiday Inn is everywhere. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Shower needs fixing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
# They even have night security and daily room service. The room service checks to see if we are all right. If not, they'll call an ambulance, or the undertaker, as the case may be. If we fall and break a bone, Medicare will pay for the treatment, and Holiday Inn will upgrade us to a suite for the rest of our lives.
# Nothing to worry about visits from family. They will always be glad to find us, and probably check in for a few days of vacationing.
# The grandchildren will be happy to use the pool.
What more could we old folk ask for?
Wrong Hole
An employee at a business firm gets to travel to Japan to meet executives from the company's foreign branch. He's single and is really excited to hook up with some beautiful Asians. He goes to the meeting and listens to a linguist who translates all their words for him.
After the meeting he goes out and hooks up with a lovely young lady. Things go very well and he ends up going to her place that night.
They dim the lights and do the deed. The whole time she's moaning and shouting: "Fuka ana!" She seems really into it so he goes all out giving it to her all night long.
The next day he goes to a golf game with the Japanese executives. He makes a very nice chip shot then decides he's going to try to impress the executives. He shouts: "Fuka ana!"
The linguist then turns to him and says: "No that's the right hole."
your face
Your face looks like you've been using it as a doorstop.Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo.
If your face had "Welcome" written on it, it would make a perfect doormat.
If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in.
Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nails.
Your face doesn't look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going.
Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut.
Your face is such a mess, why don't you get your dog something different to chew on ?
Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don't you make sure the pool has water in next time.
Your face is very becoming. I's becoming more and more ugly every time I see it.
Skinny Dippers
Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
No worry
A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.
"Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye."
Her husband's best friend says: "Who was it?"
"That was my husband," she replied.
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you"
Great News
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said: "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said: "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
