Sport jokes (1366 to 1380)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 1366 to 1380. |
The millionaire...
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything they desire of mine, to the person who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked!
The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!"
On Exercising
1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is. <p> 2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. <p> 3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. <p> 4 - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. <p> 5 - I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. <p> 6 - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. <p> 7 - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. <p> 8 - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. <p> 9 - If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country. <p> 10 - I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. <p> and last but not least.... <p> It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one minute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
Really funny jokes-Fish poaching
The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish."Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish.
I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise.
After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus.
So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away.
They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden.
"Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"
Mommy Mommy 13
Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.
Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
[Alt answer] Shut up and get the maple syrup.
"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."
There was a guy so addicted to...
There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day. He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration. After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.
He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize. He kept repeating his round over dinner. The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.
At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up. "What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.
"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from me and threw it up in the air!"
Into the Olympics...
Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He is not to bright. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. USA. Fencing."
Christian Finnegan: Gym Membership
I joined a gym recently. I dont have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this times gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either Ill get into shape, or Ill just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.
You might be a redneck if 22
You might be a redneck if...Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
During training exercises, a L...
During training exercises, a Lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel."Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing himthe keys. "Yours is."
Proper Identification Required
Contributed by C. B. Hinson
President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States .�
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama:
"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama:
"I am urging you please to cash this check."
Cashier:
"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally replied:
"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
A golfer hooked his tee shot o...
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.'I'm an attorney,' the wincing man said, 'and this is going to cost you $5000.'
'I'm sorry, I'm really sorry,' the concerned golfer replied. 'But I did yell 'fore'.'
'I'll take it,' the attorney said.
Free zucchini
After harvesting the usual bumper crop of squash last year, I took a half-dozen to the office. I piled them on the table in the break room and posted a sign advertising them as free.
The next day I noticed an addition to my sign. Below “Free Zucchini,” someone had written, “Save the Whales.”
Digging for bait
My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law's garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.
“No, honey, he won't do for bait,” his mother said. “He's not an earthworm.”
“He's not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”
A party of golfers noticed a f...
A party of golfers noticed a funeral passing by on a road adjacent to the course.Ralph suggests to the others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead." So they remove their caps and stand in silence as car after car goes by.
Finally, Ralph remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars. That person must have been well loved."
Bill replies, "Yes, she was. We would have been married 25 years tomorrow."
