Sport jokes (1366 to 1380)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 1366 to 1380. |
A Rabbi, a Minister and a Wiccan Priestess...
A rabbi, a Unitarian Universalist minister, and a Wiccan priestess decided to go on a fishing trip together. They went down to their local lake, rented a boat, and went out on to the lake for a day of fishing.
As the afternoon approached, the trio got hungry—and realized that they left their lunches on the shore of the lake.
The minister got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back, and sat down to eat his lunch.
"You should have gotten all of our lunches!" scolded the priestess. She then got up, walked across the lake, picked up her lunch as well as the rabbi's, walked back across the lake, and sat down, handing the rabbi his afternoon meal.
The rabbi at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. He manages to sputter, "Wha... what... how did you...?"
The minister grins at the priestess, nudges her, and asks "Do you think we should tell him about the rocks?"
The priestess looks at the minister, raises an eyebrow, and replies "What rocks?"
Maryland Crazy Law
Baltimore
Baltimore City
Columbia
Ocean City
Divorce Letter
Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good…!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99… After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
Bear Remover
Contributed by Jack McClung
A man in rural Alaska wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up Carter's North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. Tim's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit
bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. "When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go.
"The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
These 2 guys decide that they ...
These 2 guys decide that they are going to take a fishing vacation together. They agree that they would go deep-sea fishing in Southern Florida.They get there and get all settled in, then the next morning they get up early and head for the boat. On the way to the boat, they see this guy sitting alone fishing off of a pier. They go out for 8 hours, and when they come back they see the same guy still fishing at the same spot.
The next morning on the way to the boat, they see the same guy at the same spot fishing. Again, they go out for 8 hours and when the get back they see the same guy at the same spot still fishing.
Same thing happens the next day. When they get back to the hotel after their third and last day of fishing, they decide that since they don't have to get up in the morning, they would go to a local bar.
When the get to the bar, they see the same guy from the pier sitting at the bar by himself drinking a beer. Well, they decide that they are going to sit by this guy. They sit there, and each has a beer. Then one guy asks him "Are you here on a fishing vacation too? We see you every morning at the pier."
The guy replies "No, I'm here on my honeymoon."
One guy says "Honeymoon!? Don't you think you should be with your bride making love instead of here drinking?"
They guy replies "No, she's got gonorrhea!"
One guy says "Well, you could at least be alone with her, cuddling or SOMETHING!"
The guy says "No, she's got diarrhea too!"
One guy then says "Man, have you even kissed her yet?"
He says "No, she's got pyorrhea too!"
One guy then says "Gonorrhea, diarrhea, pyorrhea! Man, if don't mind me asking, why on earth did you marry her?"
The guy says "Well, she's got worms too, and you know how I love to fish!"
A bit apprehensive...
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference?"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
How To Help Around The House
Philip was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way he had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.
He ignored his wife Paula's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but Philip didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.
Paula looked so stricken that he had to offer some consolation.
‘That's OK, darling,' Philip said. ‘You still have me.'
Paula looked up at him with tears in her eyes. ‘Yes, Philip,' she wailed, ‘but you don't work either.'
Source: Will and Guy's Good Clean Jokes
10 Recommendations Made By Men to Women
1. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
2. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
3. When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple ‘Yes' is fine.
4. What do you mean, “leering?” She's obstructing my view.
5. When I'm turning the wheel and the car is heading for the slip road, saying, ‘Oh, this is our exit, dearest,' is not really necessary.
6. When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appal myself.
7. “Sports Report” starts at 5pm on a Saturday and runs for one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your mother.
8. If we see each other in the morning and at night, why phone me at work?
9. You probably don't want to know what I'm thinking about.
10. Never buy a “new” brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.'
Source: Will and Guy's Jokes
Five Amusing Shop Signs
1.Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.
2.Tailor shop, Greece: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
3.On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
4.At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
5.Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose van announces: ‘The Lone Drainer – he come pronto.'
Source: Will and Guy's Funny Clean Jokes
Two golfers met at the club. "...
Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible tragedy last week," said one."Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole."
"I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds."
"The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out."
Two golfers met at the club. "...
Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible tragedy last week," said one."Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole."
"I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds."
"The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out."
The millionaire...
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything they desire of mine, to the person who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked!
The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!"
On Exercising
1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is. <p> 2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. <p> 3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. <p> 4 - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. <p> 5 - I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. <p> 6 - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. <p> 7 - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. <p> 8 - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. <p> 9 - If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country. <p> 10 - I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. <p> and last but not least.... <p> It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one minute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
Really funny jokes-Fish poaching
The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish."Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish.
I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise.
After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus.
So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away.
They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden.
"Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"
Mommy Mommy 13
Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.
Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
[Alt answer] Shut up and get the maple syrup.
"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."
