Wedding jokes (181 to 195)

Marrying a Non-Jew

A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a non-Jew.
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems." The son persisted.
After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbos," the son replied.The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," the father said. "I told you marrying a non-Jew would cause problems."

Dangerous food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding cake."

Everybody I know who has a dog

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."
And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

Jennifer's wedding day was fa...

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear... I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

 Marriage Quotes 12

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. -- W. Somerset Maugham
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.
Question: Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?"
Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother--I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

Match Made in Heaven

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"

Black and White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A man and a woman had been dat...

A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter.
Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.
"Don't worry, honey," he said.
She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.
As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Oh my!!! I thought you said your penis was like a baby!"
"It is," he said, "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

On their 40th wedding annivers...

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness – and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

A woman getting married for th

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made. When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said "White".
The tailor was a bit surprised by this, and said, "Excuse me, I don't mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can't help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?"
The woman replied, "I'm sorry to say, but that's the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. Oh, I miss him..."

Socks...

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.

The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.

The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.

With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!"

Just like dad...

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like Dad!"

Her mother replied, "So what you want from me, sympathy?"

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: e

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

A 90-year old man said to his

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly".

 Cards Not In Hallmark

Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
   
2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
   
3. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
   
4. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
   
5. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
   
6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
   
7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
   
8. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
   
9. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
   
10. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
    
11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
    
12. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
    
13. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
    
14. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
    
15. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
    
16. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
    
17. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
    
18. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
    
19. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
    
20. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
    
21. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)