Wedding jokes (31 to 45)

The Umbrella

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."  

Why White?

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."      

He was 80, she was 20. It was

He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"
Again he said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said, "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!"
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

A young couple got married and

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves. They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”

The Groom's Many Brides

A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one.Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”

All the farmers for a hundred

All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.
Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.
"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"
Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer.
One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked.
"Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!" exclaimed the father.
The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.
A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled, "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!"
As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked, "What happened to make you change your mind?"
Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."

You've Given Me A Gift

At my friends' wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He turned to his bride's mother. "You've given me a gift," he began, "a gift that..."
Here he paused in thought, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence, "That you can't return!"

A teacher asks her class...

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Dublin Ushers

What do you call a wedding usher in Dublin Ireland?
An Irish sitter!

A teenage boy and his grandfat

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

A dietitian was once addressin

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of ussitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomachlining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, andnone of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinkingwater.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all haveeaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causesthe most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Congratulate Them

When do you congratulate someone for their mistake?
On their Wedding Day!

This couple just got married a

This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.
Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake.
Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said, "Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!"
The new groom said, "Well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea."
The second old man said, "Well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? Everybody's doing it these days."
The groom says, "Yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."
The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."
The groom says, "I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea."
The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"
He said, "Well she's also got worms... and I do love to go fishing."

Married the Longest

At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."