The best jokes (1501 to 1515)

Confucius Say...Part 2

Confucius Say: "Man who drive like hell bound to get there."Confucius Say: "Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement."Confucius Say: "Women who put detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy!"Confucius Say: "Never argue with fool...he may be doing the same thing."Confucius Say: "Best time to buy new mattress, at first sign of spring."Confucius Say: "Adults are just wrinkled kids who owe money."Confucius Say: "An old grave digger is called an Elderberry."Confucius Say: "People who have gift of gab, not know how to wrap it up."Confucius Say: "Time flies like arrow. Fruit flies like bananas."Confucius Say: "A man who sits on tack gets point and will surely rise."-

Cold Cream

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"  

Thin Person Struggles

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out...
Good news is I can usually sedate him with three or four cupcakes.

Invisible Family

The Invisible Man and The Invisible Woman got married.
But their kids aren’t anything to look at.

Operating Room

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."  

I Will Never Lie To You

Boyfriend: I will never lie to you, dear.
Girlfriend: How sweet!
Boyfriend: Now you tell me a lie.

Thanks for Your Help, Judge

The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement. "Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month."
Mr. Smith's replies, "That's very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too."

Turn the Stone

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds.
They’ve left no tern unstoned.

They Do Look Alike

My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.
"So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"
Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."

It is easier to start Monday with these new short jokes

What do you get if you combine Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A KNiFe.

I programmed a pirate game, but users said, the main character looks not enough like a pirate.
There will be a patch soon.

How much room does fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as it takes.

I visited my doctor today, he told me that I’m going deaf.
That was difficult to hear.

One day a housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
Proudly he yelled back, “Chicago Bears!”

Where is the best place to sell a used chess set?
At a pawn shop.

Fresh short jokes and puns

I suffer from kleptomania.
But when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

What did the duck say after she bought ChapStick?
Put it on my bill!

I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing.
The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.

RIP boiled water
you will be mist

What do Broad Street sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing.
They fast!

Why did the pony get sent to his room?
He wouldn’t stop horsing around!

What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me!

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
"Bison!"

Can February March?
No, but April May.

I’m writing a book about glue.
I’m stuck on the first chapter.

I’m so good at sleeping,
I can do it with my eyes closed.

Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.

Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked!

Few fresh jokes to start weekend with laugh

If you don't know what to talk about on a first date, try mentioning Global Warming
It's a huge Icebreaker

The female janitor at work keeps asking me if I want to smoke a joint with her.
I always say no because I simply can’t handle High, maintenance woman.

Someone asked me why I always go to the bathroom alone…
I’m just not a pee pal person.

5 out of 6 experts agree that it’s perfectly safe
to play Russian Roulette.

I told my son, "Have you heard that they're shutting down all food resources in schools so that children can't eat?"
"Canteens?" he asked.
"No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.

I sold my vacuum a few days ago
All it was really doing was there collecting dust.

Go for the Gold

Joan: "I'm looking for a golden anniversary gift for my husband."
Lisa: "But haven't you only been married fifteen years?"
Joan: "Yes, but it feels like fifty!"

Rabbit walks into a bar and few more funny jokes

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walks into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo!"

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."
I replied, "That's 15 love"

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day.
Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

Why pigs dressed in black never get killed?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.

My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cats birthday party on Saturday...
Is she crazy? She knows my dog is getting married that day!

9 great new jokes from the Edinburgh fringe festival 2023

Another 9 great jokes from the Edinburgh fringe festival 2023

Getting mythology wrong is my Hercules ankle.
~Olaf Falafel

I have an unconscious bias.
I’m biased firmly towards being unconscious.
~Leila Navabi

Cats are like strippers – they sit on your lap and make you think they love you.
~Sikisa

The UK is so small, they’ve got to keep all their lakes in one district.
~Liz Guterbock

I have a suntanning addiction, so only go on holiday in winter.
I went cold Turkey last year.
~Richard Stott

Everyone says your 20s are all about finding yourself.
If that’s true, your 30s are about wishing you’d found somebody else.
~Ginny Hogan

What does Kylie sing while counting sheep?
I can’t get ewe out of my head. ~Alison Spittle

My relationship with my mum is like the evolution of payment technology – we went from physical contact to electronic only,
then it was contactless. ~Kuan-Wen Huang

Last year, I had a great joke about inflation.
But it’s hardly worth it now.
~Amos Gill