The best jokes (1501 to 1515)

After a day of fishing at a ne

After a day of fishing at a nearby island, Bob was on his way home. No sooner had he crossed the bridge to the mainland, that he saw a policeman following him with his lights flashing. Bob pulled over, like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" repeated Bob.
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

Reading of the Will

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."

Confucius Say...Part 2

Confucius Say: "Man who drive like hell bound to get there."Confucius Say: "Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement."Confucius Say: "Women who put detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy!"Confucius Say: "Never argue with fool...he may be doing the same thing."Confucius Say: "Best time to buy new mattress, at first sign of spring."Confucius Say: "Adults are just wrinkled kids who owe money."Confucius Say: "An old grave digger is called an Elderberry."Confucius Say: "People who have gift of gab, not know how to wrap it up."Confucius Say: "Time flies like arrow. Fruit flies like bananas."Confucius Say: "A man who sits on tack gets point and will surely rise."-

Cold Cream

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"  

Thin Person Struggles

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out...
Good news is I can usually sedate him with three or four cupcakes.

Invisible Family

The Invisible Man and The Invisible Woman got married.
But their kids aren’t anything to look at.

Operating Room

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."  

I Will Never Lie To You

Boyfriend: I will never lie to you, dear.
Girlfriend: How sweet!
Boyfriend: Now you tell me a lie.

Thanks for Your Help, Judge

The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement. "Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month."
Mr. Smith's replies, "That's very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too."

Turn the Stone

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds.
They’ve left no tern unstoned.

They Do Look Alike

My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.
"So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"
Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."

It is easier to start Monday with these new short jokes

What do you get if you combine Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A KNiFe.

I programmed a pirate game, but users said, the main character looks not enough like a pirate.
There will be a patch soon.

How much room does fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as it takes.

I visited my doctor today, he told me that I’m going deaf.
That was difficult to hear.

One day a housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
Proudly he yelled back, “Chicago Bears!”

Where is the best place to sell a used chess set?
At a pawn shop.

Fresh short jokes and puns

I suffer from kleptomania.
But when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

What did the duck say after she bought ChapStick?
Put it on my bill!

I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing.
The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.

RIP boiled water
you will be mist

What do Broad Street sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing.
They fast!

Why did the pony get sent to his room?
He wouldn’t stop horsing around!

What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me!

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
"Bison!"

Can February March?
No, but April May.

I’m writing a book about glue.
I’m stuck on the first chapter.

I’m so good at sleeping,
I can do it with my eyes closed.

Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.

Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked!

Few fresh jokes to start weekend with laugh

If you don't know what to talk about on a first date, try mentioning Global Warming
It's a huge Icebreaker

The female janitor at work keeps asking me if I want to smoke a joint with her.
I always say no because I simply can’t handle High, maintenance woman.

Someone asked me why I always go to the bathroom alone…
I’m just not a pee pal person.

5 out of 6 experts agree that it’s perfectly safe
to play Russian Roulette.

I told my son, "Have you heard that they're shutting down all food resources in schools so that children can't eat?"
"Canteens?" he asked.
"No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.

I sold my vacuum a few days ago
All it was really doing was there collecting dust.

Go for the Gold

Joan: "I'm looking for a golden anniversary gift for my husband."
Lisa: "But haven't you only been married fifteen years?"
Joan: "Yes, but it feels like fifty!"