The best jokes (1516 to 1530)

Rabbit walks into a bar and few more funny jokes

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walks into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo!"

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."
I replied, "That's 15 love"

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day.
Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

Why pigs dressed in black never get killed?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.

My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cats birthday party on Saturday...
Is she crazy? She knows my dog is getting married that day!

9 great new jokes from the Edinburgh fringe festival 2023

Another 9 great jokes from the Edinburgh fringe festival 2023

I have an unconscious bias.
I’m biased firmly towards being unconscious.
~Leila Navabi

Cats are like strippers – they sit on your lap and make you think they love you.
~Sikisa

The UK is so small, they’ve got to keep all their lakes in one district.
~Liz Guterbock

I have a suntanning addiction, so only go on holiday in winter.
I went cold Turkey last year.
~Richard Stott

Everyone says your 20s are all about finding yourself.
If that’s true, your 30s are about wishing you’d found somebody else.
~Ginny Hogan

What does Kylie sing while counting sheep?
I can’t get ewe out of my head. ~Alison Spittle

My relationship with my mum is like the evolution of payment technology – we went from physical contact to electronic only,
then it was contactless. ~Kuan-Wen Huang

Last year, I had a great joke about inflation.
But it’s hardly worth it now.
~Amos Gill

Few funny short jokes

My plan for tomorrow is to go with the wife to get us both some new glasses…
After that, we'll see!

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."
I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water...
Schwepped her off her feet!

Did you hear about the bloke that always got angry when he was out of bread for breakfast?
He was lack-toast intolerant!

Wife and girlfriend

The other day I came home from work and my wife was sitting on the couch with my girlfriend.
Stunned, I asked, "What's going on here?"
My wife replied, "You tell me."
I told her, "It looks like you're sitting here with some total stranger."
My girlfriend stood up and said, "Stranger? We've been sleeping together for months!"

I turned to my wife and asked, "My God, is this true?"

7 Funny short jokes to wake you up

We just watched the Tetris movie.
It's a blockbuster

My family is getting sick of me telling dad jokes 24/7.
Or should I say “they are sick of me telling dad jokes 3.428571428571429”?

When I was younger I had a job pretending to be a statue.
I held that position for some time.

The new thought-activated car they're working on is going to be even more popular than the voice-activated one.
It goes without saying.

My wife is one of the clumsiest people I know.
I'm so glad she fell for me

I have two questions about this Taylor Swift lady:
What kind of clothes does she make? And how fast does she make them, really?

I can’t think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle.
At least not right off the top of my head.

What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?
A heavy drinker.

What Is the NSA?

What is the NSA?
A government organization that actually listens to you.

The Can Crusher

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.

Like Father Like Son

Miser to son: "Son, how much did it cost when you took your girlfriend to dinner yesterday?"
Son: "Dad, it was only $25.00."
Dad: "Oh, that’s not too bad."
Son: "It would've been more, but that was all the money she had on her."

A Camera and A Foot

What’s the difference between a camera and a foot?
A camera has photos while a foot has five toes.

9-1-1, what is your emergency?

"Help! I was hunting in the woods with my friend, and he suddenly dropped dead for no reason! Oh my God, I'm freaking out!!"

"Calm down, sir, we'll get you through this. The first thing we need to do is make sure that your friend really is dead."

"All right, hold on a second."

BLAM!

"Okay, now what?"

I'm Going To Be A Father

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off!"
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno, I'll tell you in 9 months."

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years...

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she made him a full breakfast with a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this is just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the money for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you and he said, ‘Fuck him, give him a fiver.’”

The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

The Difference Between Outlaws and In-laws

Q: What's the difference between Outlaws and In-laws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.

April Fool's Day Prank - Paint a bar of soap ...

Pearls of wisdom...

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever! So far, so good!

Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually, you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes, age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing!!