The best jokes (15346 to 15360)

A man goes to a sperm bank and

A man goes to a sperm bank and says, "I'd like to make a deposit please."
The doctor says, "Go and fill this up," and gives the man a bottle.
Three days later the man returns to the sperm bank, marches into the doctor's office and says, "I've tried with my left hand and tried with my right hand. My wife has tried with her left hand and her right hand. My mother-in-law has tried with a rubber glove on and even took her teeth out and tried with her mouth -- none of us can get the top off that bottle!"

One day a father and his ten-y

One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts..."Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!"
The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to an all male military academy, in the hope that he would get some manners.
Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.
Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!"
"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the a** on that bus driver!!"

A man is in jail for a year, s

A man is in jail for a year, so to pass the time he catches a fly and teaches it to do tricks. He has it lay on it's back, jump into a matchbox, walk a little thread set up as a tightrope. He spends the whole year teaching the thing tricks.
Upon his release he goes into a pub and sits down. He opens the matchbox and lets the fly out. As the fly patiently sits there, he sets up the little tightrope and everything else.
He calls the bartender over and says, "Hey bartender, see this?"
The bartender goes, "Oh, sorry mate, just a minute," and squishes the fly with a flyswatter.

At the Russian War College, th

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews"?

Because of terrorist concerns,

Because of terrorist concerns, some African Olympic athletes have to conceal their identity and compete under Sudan names.

Pretending to be a Knight

Pretending to be a Knight of the Round Table is Gawain better than I expected.

In pagan times

In pagan times, the sacrifice of unwed maidens was a grim die-virgin.

In a fit of madness

In a fit of madness, the carnivore ate a seaweed sandwich — it was a rye for kelp.

Donate A Kidney

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, it's a good thing...
But if you donate five kidneys, it's a bad thing and they call the police.

Chuck Norris has more Facebook...

Chuck Norris has more Facebook friends than Facebook has users.

Blonde Light

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: Put a flashlight in her ear.

Do Italian vegetarians listen ...

Do Italian vegetarians listen to gino beets?

teeth

If your toddler has more teeth than you, you might just be a redneck.

Pete Holmes: I Love New York

There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, thats true. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- theres always something to blame it on.

Rory Albanese: Kids With ADD

Follow this sentence: children who cant pay attention are considered to have a disorder. Children who cant pay attention? I dont know, he just wont focus. He could be seven. That could be the issue.