The best jokes (15391 to 15405)

Significant rule

Santa: What's the unsaid but most significant rule in chemistry?

Banta: Don't ever lick lick the spoon!

Oxymorons

47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. 'Now, then ...'
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate

And the Number one top OXY-Moron
01. Microsoft Works

“How can you get a dr...

“How can you get a drywall plasterer to finish the job? They barely start and then they stop.”

Corduroy pillows

Buy corduroy pillows, they're making headlines!

Public pool...

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Answering Machine Message 198

Hello... Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas please, with extra cheese... Oh, did I get the wrong number? Sorry about that. (Click.)

Pimple Head

Lewis has a big pimple in the middle of his forehead. A big, huge pimple, and it won't go away. So he goes to the doctor.

The doctor examines him and says, "Oh my! You've got a penis growing out of the middle of your forehead!"

Lewis says, "Oh, no, Doc! What can you do?"

The doctor says, "Don't worry. Once it's fully grown, we can remove it completely."

Lewis says, "What do you mean, FULLY GROWN?! Doc, I can't spend years and years staring at that thing, waiting for it to grow!"

The doctor says, "Well, you won't have to stare at it for long. Pretty soon, the balls will cover your eyes."

Really funny jokes-Children of Movie stars

Brewery accident...

Brenda McCarthy is home making dinner for her husband Patrick when Tim Finnegan knocks at her door.

"May I come in, Brenda darlin'?" says Tim sadly, "I've somethin to tell ya."

"Of course, Tim, come in, but where's Patrick?" she asks.

"That's what I'm here to be tellin ya, Brenda," says Tim. "There was an accident down at the Brewery."

"Oh, God NO!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me....."

"I'm so sorry, darlin'" says Tim, his voice breaking, "Your dear husband Patrick is dead."

Brenda buries her face in her hands and asks tearfully "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was a terrible thing to see, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But tell me true, Tim, did he at least die quickly?"

Tim hesitated. "Well, no, darlin, not really, no."

"NO?"

"No, in fact he got out three times to pee."

Merv was in a terrible acciden...

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

“Why did the car cros...

“Why did the car cross the river with the boat? It was a ford escort.”

Gimme all your money...

A man was walking down a street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"

The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"

The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"

“The dermatologist wa...

“The dermatologist was an avid gardener but he had a problem with moles.”

“I got a job with a c...

“I got a job with a company that manufactures trampolines. Now I'll have something to fall back on.”

A blonde woman decides that sh...

A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."