The best jokes (15376 to 15390)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15376 to 15390. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Harvesting a profit...
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?
"No," the young farmer replied, seriously. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
Chuck Norris' every step creat...
Chuck Norris' every step creates a mini whirlwind. Hurricane Katrina was the result of a morning jog.Hospital policy
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had.
I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
“Fine,” I said. “I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?”
“It wasn't a boy,” came the reply.
Question & Answer
Contributed by The Florida Dude
Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: Man I got a lot of problems!
Blonde jokes-Horrific car accident
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".
Mother had just finished waxin...
Mother had just finished waxing the floors when she heard her young son opening the front door.She shouted, Be careful on that floor, Jimmy; its just been waxed.
Jimmy, walking right in, replied, Dont worry, Mom, Im wearing my cleats.
Thing to declare
A young woman on a flight from Aukland asked the Priest beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child," he said: "What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it," she explained. "Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear," he replied, "but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," he replied truthfully.
The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Smart Blonde
A blonde got tired of everyone treating her like she was dumb so she decided to dye her hair brown. She went out and about in the world to prove that she was smart. She came upon a sheep farmer and thought it would make the perfect opportunity to show off her brains. The now brunette blonde asked the farmer if she could have one of his sheep if she could correctly guess how many sheep there were. The farmer looked at his sheep that were jumping and running about and thought to himself "that would be impossible" so he allowed her to guess. After a few minutes, the woman correctly guessed the number at 129. The farmer was amazed so he let her pick one of the sheep. The woman walked into the middle of the heard, picked up a fuzzy little critter and walked back to the farmer. The farmer smiled at her and said "If I can correctly guess what color your hair is can I have my dog back?"Amy Schumer: Negative Three
In New York Im, like, a six -- seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, What the f**k is that? Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, Beyonce calls it jelly. They were like, Thats cottage cheese, bitch. Do some lunges.“The charges of the o...
“The charges of the otolaryngologist was exorbitant, I had to pay through the nose!”
Mrs Johnson
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
An out-of-towner drove his car...
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
The pizza delivery boy
After taking the pizza, Mr. Thompson asked Danny, "How much tip do you get normally?"
"Well," replied Danny, "this is my first trip to your place, but the other boys say if I can manage to get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing just fine."
"Is that so?" said an offended Mr. Thompson, "Well, just to prove them wrong, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied Danny, "I'll put this in my college fund."
"What are you studying in college?" asked Mr. Thompson.
Ode to a Cat
I think that I shall never see
A cat that sheds as much as thee
Thy fur that sticks is all around
On chairs, on mats in little mounds
I sweep the floor, you shed some more
I wash the rug and you just shrug
You should give thanks I tolerate that
Or you would be a crew cut cat.
