The best jokes (15406 to 15420)

The ocean was once fresh water...

The ocean was once fresh water but Chuck Norris likes his shrimp salty.

Answering Machine Message 225

(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating

I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I dont know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, Id skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. Now when youre nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why were not on it.

Bad weather

This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.

So the manager sent him up to room "69".

He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.

Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"

She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."

She got at it again and farted in his face.

He said, "What the hell was that?"

She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."

Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.

Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "Hell, a man can't fuck with this kind of weather!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

A young gay man calls home and...

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"

He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."

There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?"

Christopher Titus: Post-Weiner Politics

Im thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone Ive tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.

An old man was relaxing at his

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "Well, canceling my voyage on Titanic sure didn't hurt."

Happy New Year…Is Everybody Happy!!!??? (Author A. Nonymous)

Wayne Federman: Discriminating Carpool Lane

The carpool lane discriminates against the lonely. These peoples -- through no fault of their own -- dont have the social skills to make friends. OK, thats unfortunate, but what do we do as a society? We push them off to the right in this vehicular apartheid, while they sit isolated in their loser mobiles, forced to watch the popular people whiz by them.

Hillary Clinton goes to a new ...

Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself 'How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?' After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office.

Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.

She says "What?"

He again responds, "Nixon's Disease."

She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"

He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."

Roses are red,
violets are...

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
I'm in love,
But not with you.
When we broke up,
You thought I cried,
But alls it was...
was another guy.
You told your friends
I was a trick,
I told mine,
You had a weak dick.
I said "I love you"
You thought it was true,
But guess what baby???
You Got Played Too!!!

Things to do in an elevator...

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, 'Hi Greg. How's your day been?'

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, 'That's mine!'

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, 'Did you feel that?'

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again!'

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, 'Group Hug!' and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, all of you, just shut up!'

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, 'Got enough air in there?'

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, 'Your one of THEM!' and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, 'I have new underware on'.

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, 'This is MY personal space!'

Chuck Norris frequently donate...

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

A lawyer died and arrived at t...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

hot dog

Two immigrants arrived in America.

On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street.

"Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other.

"I dunno."

"Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to

do as they do."

So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench.

One immigrant looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other and asked, "What part did you get?"