The best jokes (15421 to 15435)

Five year old Becky answered t...

Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.
She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"

Brian Regan: Food Combinations

I have a friend who swears by food combinations -- have you heard of this nonsense? Shes nuts. Shes like, You know what? You should eat food combinations, and that way you can eat whatever you want. Its just the combinations of how you put the food together. And then her examples are like, You wouldnt want to eat steak and potatoes together, but you could have, like, a lemon rind and raisin skins -- not the whole raisin, take the skins and steam them.

Having a Beer With Y

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down. -- and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man leaves.

On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"

The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."

The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one... sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer... sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I don't mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"

The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that my wife said that I couldn't go to the bar and drink anymore... but she didn't say anything about my brothers."

The factory bell

Guy: Is you dad still in jail?...

Guy: Is you dad still in jail?
Girl: For what?
Guy: For stealing all the stars in the sky and putting them in your eyes!

Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife

17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

Decisions

There are three guys in a small boat and it's sinking fast.

In the boat is a Frenchman, an American, and a Puerto Rican.

They decide that they have to throw some things overboard in order to save themselves.

"Well, I have too much of this wine and cheese," says the Frenchman, and he throws some overboard.

"Yeah, and I have too many bananas," says the Puerto Rican and he throws some overboard.

"Well, let me think," says the American, and he throws the Puerto Rican overboard.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Tantilazing

Deep Thoughts 04

One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

A gay man goes to the counter ...

A gay man goes to the counter of a drug store and asked the clerk, "What can I do to get rid of my boyfriend's dandruff?"

"Simple," replied the clerk, "Give him some Head & Shoulders."

The twink asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

Hospital visit

A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn".

"I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward', anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the girl replied, "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity....what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

One reason the Military Servic...

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

I've sure gotten old!
I'v...

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

Limping

When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old football injury that acts up once in a while."
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, "Gee, I never knew you played football."
I said, "Well, I don't. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television..."

Jeff Caldwell: Not Good With Computers

Im just not good with computers. I remain not good. I had to call up the tech support guy this week, get some help with the home computer. He starts asking me questions, What kind of operating system have you got there, sir? Uh, electricity, I think. Yeah, Ive been plugging into my wall. Ive been having some luck with that.

The four stages of life....

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus

3. You are Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus