The best jokes (15706 to 15720)

I flew all the way to Lima jus

I flew all the way to Lima just to see an orthodontist. You might accuse me of acting in Peru dentally.

I want to sell my ears. Somebo

I want to sell my ears. Somebody offered me aural for them, but I won't take any lobal offers. I'm gonna play the cartilage I was dealt. I gotta drum up some cash. The deal's gonna be done tinnitus. Ring it through: I bid my ears, ‘audios‘.

I still love you

Ex: I still love you.
Me: I still love me too.

April Fool’s Day Pranks

1. Take something from someone’s office and leave them a ransom note.
2. Add several odd appointments with alarms set to go off during the day to a co-worker’s Outlook calendar.
3. Add food coloring to milk that comes in a cardboard container.
4. Add food coloring to the windshield washer fluid of someone’s car.
5. Switch around random keys on someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
6. Switch the Push and Pull signs on a set of doors.

A woman goes at the doctor: "D

A woman goes at the doctor: "Doc, please help me I've tried everything, but I can't get pregnant."
"It may be a hereditary problem! Did your mother have kids?"

During a lull between the spee

During a lull between the speeches at the recent White House Correspondents' dinner, Michelle Obama leans over to chat with Joe Biden.
"Ya know, I bought Barack a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart, Barack has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," says Joe, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words -- he doesn't really understand what they mean."
"Oh, I know," Michelle replies, "Neither does the parrot."

A middle-aged woman enters her

A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic state. She says, "Doctor, I think I'm turning into a horse!"
The doctor, taken aback, replies, "I'm sure you may have some problem, but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse."
The woman became more insistent and said, "Doctor, look at my teeth. They're getting bigger and more yellow!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Yes, I see. Your teeth appear a bit larger and more yellow than your last visit, but I don't think you're turning into a horse."
Getting more frustrated, the woman said, "Well, I think I'm getting a mane! Look at all this hair on the back of my neck. It's grown 5 inches in one week!"
Becoming more concerned, the doctor said, "You're not turning into a horse. We'll just shave your neck occasionally."
At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking faster and louder, "Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very thick and big. I'm developing hooves!"
The doctor in amazement cried, "Holy cow! I've never seen finger and toe nails that big!"
Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said, "And look at this, doctor. My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!"
The doctor looked in amazement, then started scribbling on a small piece of paper.
The woman asked, "Are you writing me a prescription?"
The doctor said, "No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works at City Hall. Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take a dump in the street!"

I have a new nose. Tha...

I have a new nose. That's sniffty.

What's a cannibal'

What's a cannibal's favorite snack? BFF jerky.

During the American Revolution

During the American Revolution...what did you call a scared and frightened militiaman fleeing down the same road as a British Loyalist?
Chicken catch a Tory!

How Churches might be in 2020

PASTOR: Praise the Lord.
CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!
PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you’re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you’re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker.
CHURCH SECRETARY: This week’s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don’t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don’t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless you all.
CONGREGATION: Amen!

“When applicant numbe

“When applicant numbers to follow optometry were low, the School authorities decided to re-advertise, to dilate the pupils!”

Hear about the wig thief? He h

Hear about the wig thief? He had a hair owin' addiction.

There was a pretty nurse named

There was a pretty nurse named Carol who broke her engagement to a doctor. She was explaining everything to a friend.
"Do you mean to say," exclaimed Cindy, "that the bum asked you to give back the ring and all his presents?"
"Not only that," said Carol, "he sent me a bill for 37 visits."

I compulsively collect appetiz

I compulsively collect appetizers. I'm a bit of a hors d'oeuvre.