The best jokes (15841 to 15855)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15841 to 15855. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A plane was taking off from Ke...
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Big John
A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"
A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"
If you had 11 roses in your ar...
If you had 11 roses in your arms and looked in the mirror;You would see the twelve most gorgeous things in the world.
Michael Che: Camera Phones
My nephews got a camera phone; hes 10 years old. Which sucks for him because I cant imagine what it must be like for him to go through a 5th grade math class with a device in his pocket that can answer all of lifes questions and show him pictures of titties in high definition. You want this kid to pay attention in class? He doesnt have attention deficit, hes got titties in his pocket.Dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
Habit
One of my favorite activities is making love to nuns.It's easy once you get into the habit!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Hospital Rules
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need Sam's help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don't know, he said.
She is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.
Lemonade
My eight year old daughter was reading the back of a lemon juice bottle while we were eating our dinner. Noting that the bottle said that it was “not made from concentrate” she asked me what that meant.
I told her that it was made from distracted lemons.
While my wife was shaking her head in the disbelief, my daughter, in a thoughtful tone, said, “That must be why they got caught.”
Knock Knock Collection 124
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marilyn!
Marilyn who?
Marilyn is a state north of Virginia!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marion!
Marion who?
Marion on a Sunday!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marion!
Marion who?
Marion haste, repent at leisure!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marmalade!
Marmalade who?
Marmalade me said the little chicken!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Martha!
Martha who?
Martha them up to the top of the hill and the marched them down again!
Knock Knock Collection 079
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hacienda!
Hacienda who?
Hacienda the story!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hagar!
Hagar who?
Hagar, you with the stars in your eyes....!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Haifa!
Haifa who?
Haifa cake is better than none!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hair!
Hair who?
Hair today, gone tomorrow!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Haiti!
Haiti who?
Haiti see a good thing go to waste!
Douche
Have you heard about the new types of douche on the market?There is aloe vera scented, peach flavor, and chicken flavor.
The aloe vera is to tighten it up for the penis.
The peach is sweeter for the eater.
And the chicken is finger lickin' good.
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Tantilazing
Reniewed by Calamjo
Eugene Mirman: Pineapple Dog House Red
I dont speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I was in a situation where I had to be like, Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library? -- no problem.Steven Wright 03
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world . . . Perhaps you've seen it.
