The best jokes (15856 to 15870)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15856 to 15870. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
“Hello, Operator. You gave me...
“Hello, Operator. You gave me the wrong number.” The young man was quite peeved about it. I’m calling HOpe5567. “There is no such exchange as Rope,” said the operator.“Hope,” replied the man angrily. “H like in Harry, O for Otto, P for Peter and E for Edward.” “Gee,” said the operator, “that phone booth must be awfully crowded.
But what number do you want?”
Attending a wedding for the fi...
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"Kurt Metzger: Mayan Calendar and 2012
Why would they know the end of the world? They didnt have any pants. Did you know that? They didnt have the invention of pants. You think you can crack the secrets of the universe but not the secret of pockets? They just made a lot of calendars and they never said its the end of the world -- goofy white people made that up.A man walking his three legged...
A man walking his three legged dog near Wembley finds a lamp, He rub it and out pops a genie. The genie says "I'll grant you one wish.""Can you make my dog win Crufts" says the man.
"What with only three legs? Wish again" says the genie
"Okay." Says the bloke,"Can you arrange for England to win the World Cup?"
The genie ponders before telling him: "Lets have a look at that dog again."
Great To Be A Woman
Reason's why it's great to be a woman
- Free drinks.
- Free dinners.
- Free movies.
- Speeding ticket? What's that?
- New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
- If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
- If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
- You can sleep your way to the top.
- You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
- It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
- No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
- Brad Pitt.
- No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
- Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
- If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
- If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
- You have the ability to dress yourself.
- If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
- You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
- You can quickly end any fight by crying.
- Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
- There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
- You've never had a goatee.
- You'll never regret piercing your ears.
- You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
- You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
- You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
Funny jokes-Money saved by not smoking
Juan says, “Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?”
“Four.”
“How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“That's over six thousand packs. If you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building.”
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?”
“Never.”
“Do you own this building?”
“No.”
“Well, I do.”
Banking Error…
A true story out of San Francisco…A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.”
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Funny jokes-LA Police woman
Reggie : Do you know about this LA police woman who works part-time as a stripper?Archie: Well, I do hear about some people having double identities.
Reggie: You know this LA policewoman's t-shirt says,
"LAPD" on the front
and
"ANCE" on the back.
Follow in my footsteps...
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
corruption
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness."Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Chilling with the Eskimo
What do eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?
Polaroids!
Pleasing Sister Mary
There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.
Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!"
Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?" To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve."
Nurse Jenny
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
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“Conjoined twins aren...
“Conjoined twins aren't the only twins with special connections.”
