The best jokes (15946 to 15960)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15946 to 15960. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Ophira Eisenberg: Money to the Homeless
I have no money. Im terrible with money. I always give money to people on the street. I passed by this homeless guy, and he was out there calling out to everyone, trying to get everyone to give him money. And hes doing this, hes going, Give money to the homeless. Give money to the homeless cause you dont know, one day it might be you. And I was like, Oh my God. And I was about to give him some change, and then I was like, Maybe I should hang on to this.Mail order....
An old fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat that you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
In a short time, he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
Our baby was born last week. W...
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?When the kids are in college.
Sea Sickness...
Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.
One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."
"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.
A couple from the kids...
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, 'There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.' 'How did you know?' his mother asked. 'Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,' he replied. 'I think it's printed on the bottom.'A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. 'What are you doing?' his mother asked. 'The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken' the boy explained. 'I'm looking for the seal.'
Interview....
Martin was being interviewed for a new job. The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
Without hestitation, Martin responded, "The living one, of course!"
Quick clean
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom.
Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains.
It read, “Thank you for not looking in the bathtub.”
Funny jokes-Hillbilly
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.
A wife went to the police stat...
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Dating again
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. “I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me.”
Morning Astrology
Every morning, one of the secretaries in an office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horoscope aloud.
“Gwen,” said the boss finally, “you seem to be a normal, level headed person. Do you really believe in astrology?”
“Of course not. You know how skeptical we Capricorns are.”
Really funny jokes-Degree of Urgency
Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.
"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.
