The best jokes (15931 to 15945)

My girlfriend's so ugly, when ...

My girlfriend's so ugly, when I went to the zoo the keeper said, "Thanks for bringing her back."

There once was a butch from Br...

There once was a butch from Bremen

Who didn't like to have sex with men

Then her date wore a strap-on

Which she sat herself upon

And now she is suddenly fem'nin

Demetri Martin: Revolving Door

I want to make a revolving door that says Pull on it, just see how obedient people are.

Can’t Get it Down

A guy had been suffering with a priapism for several days. No amount of sex would make him lose his erection. He went to the pharmacy and asked the lady behind the counter if he might get a word with the pharmacist.
She was a little pissed off at his assumption. "Sir, I am the pharmacist."
"No," he explained, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
"Sir," she repeated, "I am the pharmacist, my sister is also a pharmacist, we own this store. I would consider it a personal & professional compliment if you would ask me any question that you might ask of a male pharmacist.
Our hero was long on pecker, but short of words with embarrassment. He whipped out a 14 inch purple helmeted soldier of passion. "O.K. Lady, what can you give me for this....."
Now it was her turn to be embarrassed, "Um,Um, excuse me Sir. I must consult with my sister." She disappeared into the back.
She came back a minute later still red-faced. "We can give you $600 for a great weekend and half interest in the store."

Newspapers are going green. In...

Newspapers are going green. In fact by 2010 all articles' opening sentences must be lede-certified.

There was a sign at a strip cl...

There was a sign at a strip club indicating the cost for a lapdance, but it was per loined.

School Collection 28

Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!

Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!

What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!

What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!

Was it good?

After making love, I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?"

She said "I don't think this was good for anybody!"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Elite hunters can kill pigeons...

Elite hunters can kill pigeons with a bow and arrow in pitch darkness. They do it by studying a coo sticks.

Ophira Eisenberg: Money to the Homeless

I have no money. Im terrible with money. I always give money to people on the street. I passed by this homeless guy, and he was out there calling out to everyone, trying to get everyone to give him money. And hes doing this, hes going, Give money to the homeless. Give money to the homeless cause you dont know, one day it might be you. And I was like, Oh my God. And I was about to give him some change, and then I was like, Maybe I should hang on to this.

Cheater

The blonde complained to her friend, "I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!"

Mail order....

An old fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat that you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time, he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

Our baby was born last week. W...

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

Sea Sickness...

Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."

"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.

A couple from the kids...

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, 'There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.' 'How did you know?' his mother asked. 'Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,' he replied. 'I think it's printed on the bottom.'

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. 'What are you doing?' his mother asked. 'The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken' the boy explained. 'I'm looking for the seal.'