The best jokes (16081 to 16095)

A completely inebriated man wa...

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." 
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" 
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." 
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple." 

Broken tail light

“How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out and ran to the rear of his car. He put his face in his hands and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop began to feel sorry for him.

“Come on, now,” the officer said, “don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious.”

“It isn't?” cried the driver. “Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?”

Little Pete came home from the...

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

"Dick Cheney feels respon...

"Dick Cheney feels responsible for his daughter being a lesbian because growing up, she heard him say 'go f**k yourself' so many times, she finally tried it." -- Bill Maher

Really funny jokes-A pair of animals

Really funny jokes-Difference between Complete and Finished

If you fire someone arbitraril...

If you fire someone arbitrarily, then it's just cuz.

A Spanish teacher was explaini...

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Miracle mile....

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Little Johnny and the Pastor

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

“I went to the theatr...

“I went to the theatre, it looked a bit suspicious. I reckon the whole thing was staged.”

Short funny jokes-Preying

Missed it

A busload of tourists arrives at Runnymede, just west of central London.

They gather around the guide who says: “This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A guy at the front of the crowd asks: "When did that happen?”

“1215,” answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says: “Damn! Missed it by a half hour.”

Little Johnny and the math teacher...

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

Phone Book

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So, how'd it go, Harry?" asked Gil.
"Terrible," admitted Harry. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started."
Gil tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?"

"Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."