The best jokes (16171 to 16185)

At a bar, Tom said to Bill; �U...

At a bar, Tom said to Bill; �Uncle tried to make a new kind of car. He took wheels from a Cadillac, radiator from a Lexus, and tires from a Ford.�

�What did he get? asked Bill.

�Two years,� Said Tom.

One of my legs was outsourced ...

One of my legs was outsourced to Bangladesh. Just another casualty of globalize a shin.

A Man And His Wife

Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!"
"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper."
Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium.
"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"

I went out with a tranny. It w...

I went out with a tranny. It was great. By the end, I felt ex-Stacey.

Really funny jokes-Royals fan

Playing doctor...

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbor said.

"Forget sexuality!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

Nomads are th...

Nomads are the calmest people.

A Spanish teacher was explaini...

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

Cosmonauts re...

Cosmonauts require massage.

Saint Peter (Pun)

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let in.

The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

To which he replies, "Oh, . . . They're Carol's."

Cold Medicine

Mary and Liz (a blonde) were talkin in the office one day.

Mary: "Wow, that is some cold you have Liz."

Liz: "Tell me about it. I just cannot get rid of it."

Mary: "Try some Cold-Doc 3. I have a bottle in my desk. Just

take 3 tablespoons before you go to bed and you'll be fine.

Here ya go."

Liz: "Thanks, I'll give it a try."

Next Day

Liz was standing by her desk jumping up and down, waving her

arms in the air and kicking her legs out.

Mary: "Liz, It is nice to see you are feeling better. Is

that a new dance?"

Liz: "Oh No. I still don't feel that great. I took the

medicine you gave me and just realized it said to shake well

before using."

Harley Davidson joke

“The land where movie...

“The land where movies are made is called reel estate.”

Yo momma U-G-L-Y!

You mom is so ugly that when she walked out of a pet store, the alarm went off!

A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

---

Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
Three chickens short of a henhouse.
Three miracles shy of being where he thinks he's at.
Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)
Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting.
Too dumb to be bothered when publically displaying her ignorance.
Too many birds on her antenna.
Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
Took the little bus to school.
Top paddock is full of rocks.
Toys in the attic.
Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.

#joke #animal #bird #zebra #chicken