The best jokes (16156 to 16170)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 16156 to 16170. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Bad weather
This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.So the manager sent him up to room "69".
He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.
Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."
She got at it again and farted in his face.
He said, "What the hell was that?"
She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."
Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.
Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "Hell, a man can't fuck with this kind of weather!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
I Get No Respect 05
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A: They can't remember the number.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating
I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I dont know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, Id skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. Now when youre nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why were not on it. In honor of Chuck Norris, all ...
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.No-Parking Zone
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
Elizabeth was surprised to rec...
Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. When her Aunt asked how she was going to spend it, she replied by saying, "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God.He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."
My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Parents in Beverly Hills fired...
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children'snames.
Christian Finnegan: Car Alarm
If I ever have a car alarm, if I ever have a car, its just gonna be a big speaker on the back of my car, and whenever anybody tries to break in, its just gonna go, Attention: free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed! Because then, people are gonna come running -- maybe not the kind of people who can help a whole lot, but people, nonetheless.Letters from Little Boys to God
Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
Tom L.
Dear God,
I went to this wedding on Sunday and they kissed right in the church! Is that O.K.?
Neil
Dear God,
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.
Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce
Dear God,
If you give me a genie lamp like in Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
Raphael
Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Greg
Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to another camp this summer.
Peter
Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I look both ways.
Dean
Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Doug
Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair.
Sam
Dear God,
I am American. What are you?
Robert
Dear God,
If you didn't let the dinosaur become extinct, we wouldn't have this country. You did the right thing.
Jonathan
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry
Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not saying that because you are God already.
Charles
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Thursday. That was cool!
Eugene
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
Mailing List Users Changing Light Bulbs
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly five hundred.
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers.
49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"
3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
