The best jokes (16141 to 16155)

“An embrace at a nudi...

“An embrace at a n*dist colony is a bare hug.”

“The forest had burne...

“The forest had burned down, but now it's back by poplar demand.”

Jessi Klein: Backhanded Compliment

Guys have said to me, You know, Jessi, part of what makes you so pretty is you have no idea how pretty you are. And then theyre just like, Enjoy. And Im like, That is not nice. That is like, at best, thats like a backhanded compliment. And at worst, thats just like a forehanded insult because I know that what that sentence really means is, Part of what makes you so pretty is that your self-esteem is so low, its easier for me to f**k you.

Mike Vecchione: Look Like a Cop

I was dating this girl; shes like, Mike, you look so much like a cop, why dont you just become a cop? Im like, I respect the police, I just couldnt wear a uniform to work every day. And shes like, Why dont you just become an undercover cop? I was like, Well, I hate to point out the obvious here, but if I look like a cop, chances are I wouldnt be too effective undercover.

Maria Bamford: Incoming Calls

My supervisor -- lets call him Greenbean -- said that there were certain bigwigs who you should never put on hold, certain VIPs who you should never put on hold, and I could never remember who those people were. So, I put everyone on hold and I conferenced them, and I let them sort it out amongst themselves.

Ted Alexandro: A Lot of Natural Disasters

A lot of natural disasters, right? Its depressing -- gotta keep giving money, cant afford it. Gets to be like friends weddings now -- like, Damn, another one. Tsunami plus guest. Ugh. Hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides -- its like the drink menu at T.G.I. Fridays unleashing its wrath on the universe.

Any argument about where to pi...

Any argument about where to pitch a campsite results in a tent situation.

Charles Manson

Charles Manson has released a statement from prison on hearing Jackson was acquitted, "Thank God we won't be in the same cell together, that guy is nuts."

Holy Family in a Plane

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of Jesus' family. After collecting the drawings, she noticed that one little boy's drawing depicted an airplane with four heads sticking out of the windows. "I see you drew three heads to show Joseph, Mary and Jesus," she said to the boy. "But who does the fourth head belong to?"
The boy replied, "That's Pontius the pilot."

Funny jokes-Shooting some cans

Anagrams

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters:

Dormitory ... Dirty Room

Evangelist ... Evil's Agent

Desperation ... A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code ... Here Come Dots

Slot Machines ... Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity ... Is No Amity

Mother-in law ... Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms ... Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness ... Genuine Class

Semolina ...Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries ... Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point... I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes ... That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two ... Twelve plus one

Contradiction ... Accord not in it

President Clinton of the USA ... To copulate, he finds interns.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Tantilazing

Chuck Norris can win a game of...

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Business One-liners 113

Goebel's Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn't worth doing.
Goebel's Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.
Goebel's Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine.
Goebel's Theorem Of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up going full circle.
Goebel's Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a chance of seeing it before that time.
Goebel's Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.
Goebel's Law Of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you make yourself easy to understand?

Learning From Teachers

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Blonde - Tracks

Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see some

tracks. The first one said "I think they are dog tracks", The

second one said "I think they are cow tracks". The third one

said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks". What happened next?

They all got hit by a train!