The best jokes (16186 to 16200)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 16186 to 16200. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A special celebration...
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."
Funny jokes-Watermelons
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".
Funny jokes-Who needs Nursing home care
What with the average cost for a nursing home care touching $200 per day, we have found a better option when we are old and need to be taken care of.
We've checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, they are offering $73.56 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves us with a host of benefits:
# $126.44 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we like, room service, laundry, TV movies or any other expenses.
# Not just that, they provide a spa, swimming pool, gym, washer-dryer, and other facilities.
# Other than that, we get free toothpaste, shampoo, soap and razors.
# If we give even $5 worth of tips a day, we'll have the entire staff scrambling to help us.
# Best part - they treat us like a customer - not a patient.
# We get a city bus from the bus stop across the street and we seniors ride free.
# If we can fake a limp, that's even better - the handicap bus will pick us up .
# We have a church bus service on Sundays to meet other nice people.
# For a change of scenery, we take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While we're at the airport, we have the option to fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps piling up.
# It would have taken us months to get into a decent nursing home. Holiday Inn will take care of our reservation today.
# Another advantage - we are not stuck at one place forever - we can move from Inn to Inn, or from city to city.
# Want to see exotic places? Holiday Inn is everywhere. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Shower needs fixing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
# They even have night security and daily room service. The room service checks to see if we are all right. If not, they'll call an ambulance, or the undertaker, as the case may be. If we fall and break a bone, Medicare will pay for the treatment, and Holiday Inn will upgrade us to a suite for the rest of our lives.
# Nothing to worry about visits from family. They will always be glad to find us, and probably check in for a few days of vacationing.
# The grandchildren will be happy to use the pool.
What more could we old folk ask for?
Skydiving...
The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."
Clean jokes-Stagecoach
In a swift move, the cowboy bends down, pulls open the door of the stagecoach and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Kirk, confused by the events that were happening so swiftly, yelled out to the cowboy, "What do you think you are doing?"
The cowboy replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
Country Party
A city guy buys a ranch. He sits on the porch of his new house taking in the fresh country air when a dusty truck pulls up.
"Howdy, neighbor!" calls the man in the truck. " I came to invite you to a little Welcome to the Neighborhood party at my place tonight. "
"Well, that's mighty fine of you," the city guy replies.
"It's going to be great," the neighbor adds. "There's gonna be eatin', drinkin', fightin', and f**kin'!"
"Sounds great," the city guy replies. "What should I wear?"
"Aww, it don't matter," the neighbor says. "It's just gonna be you and me!"
Donkeys at Christmas
What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.
“To make sure cargo t...
“To make sure cargo trucks aren't too heavy, police operate on the principle that where there's a wheel there's a weigh.”
What is a girl supposed to do?
The other day, I got a call from an unidentified number.
The caller said: Do you have a boyfriend?
I replied: Yes, why?
The caller said: So you have a boyfriend. This is your FATHER! You are barely in your teens and you have a boyfriend already?! I am coming home right now so we can have a little discussion!
I was already in trouble, and then I received another call, again from an unidentified number.
The caller said: Do you have a boyfriend?
I said : NO.
The caller said: This is your boyfriend. I can see you don't love me.
I said: Wait, sweetheart. I love you!!
The caller said : This is not your boyfriend. It's still your FATHER. I wanted to re-confirm you have a boyfriend. I'm on my way!!
Matt Braunger: Drunk Batman
Getting drunk in costume is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given us. Its just true. Do you know how fun it is being drunk Batman? Trying to solve the case of why am I not pissing on my best friends car right now? Ah -- case closed. Hey Braunger stop pissing on my car! Whos Braunger? Im Batman taking a Bat-piss.Mom would never say
Things Mom Would Never Say- "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
- "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
- "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
- "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
- "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
- "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
- "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
- "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
- "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
God made us both...
"Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me" the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man replied.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her little mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job, lately, isn't he?"
What did the spider email to t...
What did the spider email to the fly?Visit my Web site!
