The best jokes (16351 to 16365)

Term paper

“Handing in his term paper on water bears a day late got Bruno a tardy grade.”

Sisyphus

“My music history professor said that Sisyphus invented rock and roll.”

“Losing all your teet

“Losing all your teeth would really suck.”

“A spinal cord is the

“A spinal cord is the sound of a back breaking.”

Piece of rope

“What did one piece of rope say to the other before going into battle? 'Shall we join the fray?'”

“It was a love story

“It was a love story based in Austria ... about a Venetian who was blinded by Jalousie.”

“That arsonist destro

“That arsonist destroyed all my scissors. Shear torcher!”

“Routines are dental

“Routines are dental procedures.”

“The store sold me cu

“The store sold me cut-rate food for my horse at an exorbitant price, then had the nerve to send me a 'customer service' survey. I didn't hesitate to give them the feed back.”

 Answering Machine Message 119

Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.

“How would you descri

“How would you describe a dachshund standing on top of a sundial? Short on time.”

Five cannibals get appointed a

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has
disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the developer?"
One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating team
leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now you ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working."

 A Tribe Within Africa

There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.
One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home...but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.
The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

 Marines And The Police

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.
The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.
At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).
The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.
The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".

Lingerie salesperson

“Lingerie salespersons never die, they just slip away.”