The best jokes (16366 to 16380)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 16366 to 16380. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
The young male race horse came
The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in workouts. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated.The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in workouts, and found to do as well as ever.
But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
"Yeah, well how would you feel," replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"
Just fired my baker; she wasn&
Just fired my baker; she wasn't meeting my kneads.Fire Power
Them: "Why do you always carry a knife?"
Me: "The last time I tried to open a bag of chips with a 9mm, things didn’t go so well."
The teacher asks Jim, "Jimmy,
The teacher asks Jim, "Jimmy, why aren't you writing?""I don't has a pencil."
"Jimmy, that's not a correct sentence. The correct way is: I don't have a pencil, he doesn't have a pencil, we don't have a pencil."
"Who stole all the pencils then?"
I Caught Six
It was enough to startle the little old lady out of her roots. There was the fish market person tossing trout clear across his shop to a man in fisherman uniform.
The fishermen caught six fish and then said: "All right Joe. Now I can truthfully tell my wife I caught six fish today."
Hear that you can place bets i
Hear that you can place bets in Vegas about celebrity pregnancies? Just check the ovary/undies!Dirty diapers bring good luck.
Dirty diapers bring good luck. So always wish upon ass tar.A government social worker was
A government social worker was visiting the an reservation for the first time.A woman was yelling at an old Indian man. The man looked like he could use some help. The social worker walked over and broke up the disturbance by pulling the man aside.
"Hey, that lady sure hates you."
"She no lady. She my wife."
"You don't say. What's her name?"
"Wife name 'Three Horse'."
The social worker smiled. "Now that's a strange name. Three Horse. Yep, that sure is a strange name. How did she get a name like that?"
"Nag nag nag."
Top 20 UK Christmas jokes of 2021
Annual UKTV channel Gold poll. 2000 Brits voted their favourite festive gags, these are top 20.
20. What is Coleen Rooney's favourite Christmas game?
A: Guess Who.
19. Q: What pantomime are the government doing this year?
A: Chris Whittington.
18. Q: Why does Jackie Weaver control the weather at Christmas?
A: She has snow authority.
17. Q: Why will Keir Starmer be sad on Christmas morning?
A: He'll still have no presence.
16. Q: Which 'Friends' character nearly missed the 2021 Reunion Show due to the Test and Trace app?
A: Chandler Ping.
15. Q: Which vaccine did the Three Wise Men have?
A: The Wiser Jab.
14. Q: Why does Emma Raducanu get to carry the crystal glasses at Christmas dinner?
A: They know she's unlikely to drop a set.
13. Q: Why did Matt Hancock have to buy his aide really expensive Christmas presents?
A: She had him up against a wall.
12. Q: Why are we only having broccoli, cabbage and peas as veg this Christmas?
A: Because 52% of the family said no to Brussels.
11. Q: Why does Christmas scrabble take so long with Boris Johnson?
A: He keeps going back on his word.
10. Q: Why can Netflix afford calamari at Christmas?
A: They're Squids in.
9. How do you know the heating bill for December is too high?
A: Dad won't even let you open the windows on your advent calendar.
8. Q: Why didn't Santa replace Comet and Cupid when they left to become HGV drivers?
A: It was just two deer.
7. Q: Why did Rudolph's nose have to self-isolate?
A: It failed the lateral glow test.
6. Q: Which vaccine did Father Christmas get?
A: Mince Pfizer.
5. Q: Which relative will not be at Chris Whitty's Christmas dinner?
A: Aunty Vaxxer.
4. Q: What's Piers Morgan's favourite Christmas song?
A: Walking off on air.
3. Q: Why won't Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson see each other this Christmas?
A: They all want space.
2. Q: Why is Christmas dinner vegan this year?
A: Because Turkey is on the red list but vegetables are all green.
1. Q: Why are people cutting back on Brussels sprouts this Christmas?
A: The cost of gas is too high.
NED: Have you heard it through
NED: Have you heard it through the grape vine?ED: No, I don't keep up with currant events.
NED: C'mon, you should be raisin your awareness!
ED: Hey – quit winin‘!
NED: I'm just trying to give you a lil' viticulture…
ED: Aw, put a cork in it.
The Toughest School
My friends from New York talk about how tough their schools were. I’m not impressed. I'm from Texas.
My school had it’s own coroner.
We used to write essays like: “What I want to be IF I grow up...”
Authority Figure
A man with authority walks into a bar.
He orders everyone a round.
Blood-related jokes, donate blood with a smile
14 June is World Blood Donor Day. Donate blood! Raise awareness using blood-related jokes.
Why don't vampires ever get sick?
Because they always keep their blood type B-positive!
What did the hematologist do to break the ice at the party?
She started a "type O" personality conversation!
Why did the red blood cell break up with the white blood cell?
Because she found out he was too infectious!
Why do vampires believe in life after death?
Because they know it's all in vein!
Why did the vampire go to art school?
Because he wanted to draw blood!
What’s a blood cell’s favorite kind of music?
Anything but heavy metal… it’s too much iron!
Why did the blood cell get a ticket?
It didn’t stop at the red light!
What's a vampire's least favorite city?
Venice... too much garlic and holy water!
How do you know if a vampire has a cold?
He starts coffin!
Why did the white blood cell go to the party?
Because it was immune to peer pressure!
Only a Half Wit
Joe: "I've heard about your wit."
Moe: "Oh, that's nothing."
Joe: "Yeah, that's what I've heard."
