The best jokes (1651 to 1665)

A man answers the phone and ha...

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult...I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is..."
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right..."
"You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

Only Reason You Married Me

After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her.
'Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million.'
'Don't be ridiculous,' she replied. 'I don't care who left it to you.'

A middle aged Irish woman went...

A middle aged Irish woman went to her doctor to ask advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it... Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
When she called the doctor he asked how it went and she exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you said and slipped it in his coffee and after just a few sips he jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Bejaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

The Emulation

A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.
They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said, ”You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Better tell us why you asked us to come.”
The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said ”Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go too.”

Little Johnny watched, fascina

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Morris and his wife Esther wen

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, andevery year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in thathelicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but thathelicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get anotherchance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for theentire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say oneword, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds offancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricksover and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to getyou to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said somethingwhen Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

Two friends rented a boat and

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

Skipping Days

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."

Not expecting to do well on th...

Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."

A young man named John receive

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 Relationship

Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said; "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said; "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said; "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

One day the first grade teache

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three LittlePigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pigwas trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of strawand said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build myhouse?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you thinkthat man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next10 minutes.

Centipede pet

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today, we will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord???"

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

Dinner prayer

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she actually knows how to cook!”

Found on https://britishexpats.com forum, topic Bad Jokes, published on Jan 29th 2012 by Tweedpipe

Happy National Tell A Joke Day!

A young woman gazed up from he

A young woman gazed up from her hospital bed at the very handsome doctor who was examining her chart. She fluttered her eyelids and said, "They tell me that you are a real lady killer."
The doctor smiled and shook his head. "No, I make no distinction between the sexes."