The best jokes (1666 to 1680)

A man walked into a bar on a s

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

The Wedding Proposal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”He slipped the priest the cash and walked away.The wedding day arrived. When it came time for the groom’s vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said,” Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”The groom gulped and looked around and then said in a tiny voice, “I do.”After the ceremony, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”The priest slipped the $100 back into the man’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”

Zen Sarcasm, Part 3

1. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
2. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
3. Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
4. A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.
5. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
6. I feel like I'm parked diagonally in a parallel universe.
7. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.-

The Pastor's Mother and the Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please." she answered. "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired."No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.

One of Life's Lessons

While preaching about forgiving ones enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation raised their hands. The minister continued his lection and again asked for a show of hands. This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands. Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes. When he again asked for a show of hands, all members—except one—raised their hands."Mr. Jones,” asked the minster, “are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”"I don't have any.”Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. I know you are 86-years-old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how you have lived so long without making a single enemy in the world?”Mr. Jones teetered to the front and briefly explained, “Its easy. Ive outlived every one of them.”

$1 bill

A man offers a girl in his office $1,000 to sleep with him. “I’ll put the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be done by the time you pick it up,” he explains.

The girl consults her boyfriend who advises her to go ahead but to pick up the money really fast. Having not heard anything for an hour, the boyfriend calls her back.

“I can hardly walk, let alone make a phone call,” the girl says.

“What happened?” her boyfriend asks anxiously.

“He used $1 bills.”

I Grilled A Chicken

I grilled a chicken for two hours...
It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

No seat on train

A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.
He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”.
The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” .
The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks back up to the lady and says “please, ma’am, may I have your seat. I am very tired.” .
The woman says “how inconsiderate of you to ask me again” the man then calmly walks up and throws the dog out of the train window and sits dow. The woman starts screaming and demanding that the man be punished
, her husband walks up and says “you Americans are doing everything wrong
you drive on the wrong side of the road
you use the wrong utensils to eat,
and now
you’ve thrown the wrong bit** out of the window.”

A Bee from America

What do you call a bee that comes from America?
A USB!

Good and Bad News

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."
Dan said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."

My girlfriend asked me for something that goes...

My girlfriend asked me for something that goes 0 to 200 in 2 seconds for her birthday.

Apparently she wasn’t asking for a scale

Here is a joke that my 8 year old twins found very funny...

Here is a joke that my 8 year old twins found very funny when I told them:
A man enters a craft chocolates shop and asks if they could make a chocolate model car for him.
“Sure, no problem”
“And can it look like the VW Beetle that my dad had?”
“Nice idea, no problem at all.”
“And can you make it so that the chocolate doors open and you can see the interior detailed in chocolate, like with a plastic model car? Same with the bonnet and trunk?”
“that will require some planning, but I think i can manage.”
“And i would like the wheels to roll, and if i turn the steering wheel then the wheels should turn as well?”
“Mmmh that is fiendishly difficult in chocolate, I will need to carefully plan and experiment…”
“And finally, can you make it so that the chocolate windows can move up and down when you turn the handles?”
“Man this is insanely difficult. But give me 3 weeks and i’ll try my best.”
Three weeks later the man returns and indeed there is a lovely chocolate VW Beetle model on display. The chocolatier proudly shows it in all its glorious details: interior, wheels, steering wheel, windows, everything works perfect, and after the demo he asks, “shall I put it in a nice gift box?”
“No need, I will just eat it here.”

A man walked into a library and asked the librarian...

A man walked into a library and asked the librarian, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?

The librarian replied, "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

Archaeologist Husbands

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have...
The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."