The best jokes (16501 to 16515)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 16501 to 16515. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Caught by a local tribe
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!
#joke
The Dexter Nursing Home
The Dexter Nursing Home regulations made it mandatory to have a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
Alice, the trainee nurse, found an old guy already dressed and seated on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. Alice offered help but the old man insisted he could make it on his own and didn't need help to leave the hospital.
Alice reminded him that she had to follow rules, so he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down, Alice asked him if his wife was coming to meet him.
'I don't know,' said the old man. 'Guess she is still up in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
#joke #doctor
Running in circles
John: I don't know why but my Dalmatian keeps running in circles.
Jose: I am sure he finds it difficult to run in rectangles!
Jose: I am sure he finds it difficult to run in rectangles!
#joke #short
Praise the Almighty
Mrs. Smith, an old lady who lived in the countryside, had a peculiar habit. She would step onto her front porch every morning, raise her arms to the sky, and yell, "Praise the Almighty!"
Her new neighbor, Mr. Fowler who had just moved in, happened to be an atheist. Mr. Fowler didn't like Mrs. Smith's morning ritual. So, he would retaliate by stepping onto his front porch after her and shouting: "There's no Almighty!".
Time passed with the two of them carrying on the same way every day.
One morning, when it was bitter cold, Mrs. Smith stepped onto her front porch and yelled: "Praise the Almighty! I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Almighty!"
The next morning when she stepped out onto her porch, she saw a big bag of groceries lying there.
"Praise the Almighty!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"
Her atheist neighbor, Mr. Fowler jumped out of the bushes and shouted: "There is no Almighty. I bought those groceries!"
Mrs. Smith threw her arms into the air and shouted: "Praise the Almighty! He has provided groceries for me and made the Devil pay for it!!!"
Her new neighbor, Mr. Fowler who had just moved in, happened to be an atheist. Mr. Fowler didn't like Mrs. Smith's morning ritual. So, he would retaliate by stepping onto his front porch after her and shouting: "There's no Almighty!".
Time passed with the two of them carrying on the same way every day.
One morning, when it was bitter cold, Mrs. Smith stepped onto her front porch and yelled: "Praise the Almighty! I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Almighty!"
The next morning when she stepped out onto her porch, she saw a big bag of groceries lying there.
"Praise the Almighty!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"
Her atheist neighbor, Mr. Fowler jumped out of the bushes and shouted: "There is no Almighty. I bought those groceries!"
Mrs. Smith threw her arms into the air and shouted: "Praise the Almighty! He has provided groceries for me and made the Devil pay for it!!!"
#joke #food
We live in a society today whe...
We live in a society today where pizza delivery comes to your house before the policeGolf , naturally
Jim, who was about to retire from work, was gifted a set of golf clubs by his colleagues.
Wanting to the game, he approached a professional for guidance, clarifying that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The professional showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
Jim, the trainee teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?", Jim asked the dumbfounded professional.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the professional finally managed to mutter.
Jim replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"
Wanting to the game, he approached a professional for guidance, clarifying that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The professional showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
Jim, the trainee teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?", Jim asked the dumbfounded professional.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the professional finally managed to mutter.
Jim replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"
#joke #sport #golf
Pronouncing English
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
“Since I've taken the...
“Since I've taken the job in The Everglades I've been swamped!”
#joke #short
Two coworkers were talking by ...
Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain one guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced." The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces." The first man replies, "No, I just got married".“The cartoon animator...
“The cartoon animator felt imprisoned by his job. He could not free himself from his cel.”
#joke #short
Thrown Out Of The Lab
Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab
10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.
#joke
Blind date...
How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
#joke #short
