The best jokes (17371 to 17385)

“Undertakers after a

“Undertakers after a hard day's work are dead tired!”

 Knock Knock Collection 131

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Montana!
Montana who?
Montana your hide if she finds out you ate all of the cookies!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Moose!
Moose who?
Moose you be so nosy!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Morris!
Morris who?
Morris another day!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Morrison!
Morrison who?
Morrison, the more sun tan!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mort!
Mort who?
Mort to the point, who are you!

“If paper could sing,

“If paper could sing, would it sing in a quire?”

“I think I've been r

“I think I've been reusing the same kitchen puns too much, I might need to dish out new ones.”

A Blonde woman was standing ne

A Blonde woman was standing near a train platform in New York with a pair of handcuffs and some rope.
A gentleman being curious asked the blonde what the handcuffs and rope were for.
The blonde responded by saying, "The news reported a runaway train heading to New York and I want the reward for the capture."

“An anesthesiologist

“An anesthesiologist is a real knock-out.”

 Lol

Doc, I think I'm a bridge.' 'What's come over you?' 'So far, three cars, a truck and a bus.

Typical Human Resources (HR) Response

'I proposed to my girlfriend last night, who just got promoted to an HR position earlier in the day.'
'That is cool! What did she say?'
She said, 'We will get back to you soon.'

 Knock Knock Collection 098

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivor!
Ivor who?
Ivor good mind not to tell you now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivory!
Ivory who?
Ivory strong like Tarzan!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Izzy!
Izzy who?
Izzy come, Izzy go!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jack!
Jack who?
Jackdraft!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jagger!
Jagger who!
Jagger'd edge!

It's a sunny morning in the B...

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mommy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first.
It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mommy Bear who set the table. It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time -- I haven't made the stupid porridge yet!!"

Repaying a Debt

The Hodja (teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her. She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her."No problem," the Hodja grinned. "You can pay me later."She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste."Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting," she responded."Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!""Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives.""Forget it!" shouted the Hodja. "If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed ALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!"

Marrying a Non-Jew

A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a non-Jew. The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism." "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems." The son persisted.After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbos," the son replied.The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day.""I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos.""See," the father said. "I told you marrying a non-Jew would cause problems."

 Newest MS Computer Game

Solitaire '99
Here is the README.TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product.
Microsoft Solitaire '98
README file, v4.3
Welcome!
Congratulations!
Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire '98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!"
For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.*
Solitaire '98 brings this dream to a blissful reality.
System Requirements:
- 266 MHz Pentium II or better
- 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2.1 gigabytes recommended)
- 128 megabytes of RAM (256 megabytes for Vegas scoring)
Installation Procedure:
1. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire" into your CD-ROM drive. You will need to make sure that the drive door is open before you place the disc in the tray.
2. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to purchase more memory or a larger hard disk drive. See your local Microsoft-certified dealer.
3. Follow the onscreen instructions. If you cannot read, have somebody else sit through the installation procedure.
4. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire, Disc 2" into your CD-ROM drive. As before, ensure that the drive is open before inserting the disc in the tray.
5. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to upgrade to a Microsoft "Natural" keyboard, which you can obtain from your nearest dealer. As before, follow the onscreen instructions.
6. After the installation program has completed, check your "Programs" menu for a new Solitaire '98 entry. If the program entry was not successfully created, you may need to uninstall all local copies of Netscape Navigator and/or Communicator and restart the Solitaire installation process from scratch.
Playing The Game:
Assuming that Solitaire '98 has been properly installed, you should be able to find it in your "Programs" menu (you should have verified this as part of the installation process.) Microsoft recommends that you shut down all other programs that may be running on the system before starting Solitaire '98.
To start the game, simply select it from the "Programs" menu. If the game does not start within five to seven minutes of selection, you may need to upgrade to the latest version of Microsoft Office to ensure that your system has the proper DLLs that Solitaire needs.
For game rules, refer to the .HLP files for the Windows 3.1 version of Solitaire. If you don't have these files, you can purchase them online from Microsoft at very competitive rates.
Coming Soon:
Minesweeper '99!
Watch this space.
[ snip millions of blank lines inserted to balloon README file up to Microsoft mandatory one-megabyte minimum file size. ]

“The dermatologist lo

“The dermatologist loved to cook. He made everything from scratch.”

 A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

---

His home planet is flat.
His IQ is a false positive.
His jack can't get the car off the ground.
His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
His mind is great at error magnification.
His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.
His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
His mind is write-protected/write-only.
His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
His mind wandered and never came back.
His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."
His page was intentionally left blank.
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".

#joke