The best jokes (17506 to 17520)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 17506 to 17520. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Geoff Keith: Teaching My Girlfriend About Hanukkah
I am Jewish; my girlfriends not. She did buy me eight presents for Hanukkah, though. I was like, Why did you buy me eight presents for Hanukkah? Shes like, Eight presents, for the eight nights of Hanukkah. I was like, You idiot, theres 32 nights of Hanukkah -- and I like electronics. Now, go to the mall. Religious minimum: $50 a gift.Free beer
Two Aussies a...
Free beerTwo Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Singh stormed up to the front ...
Singh stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!""Yes, sir?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
TV star Jonathan Ross has been...
TV star Jonathan Ross has been caught shoplifting in Harrods' kitchen department.Oh, the Irony!
Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Ransacked Blonde
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
“They send me a BLIND policeman.”
A man was sent to prison for 2...
A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc. He served his time and was released. He took his ant with him in a matchbox. The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant. He then said to the guy beside him, "you are not gonna believe what this ant can do". He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed. He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant. The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "you see that ant?" The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "sorry sir it won't happen again."A man is surprised to receives...
A man is surprised to receives a call from his doctor.The doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news and some worse news."
"Well, alright, give me the bad news first," said the man.
"Well," said the doctor, "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live."
"Holy Cow! That is some bad news!" the man exclaimed. "What news could be worse than that?" he asked.
"The worse news is that I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."
A prudish lady
May says arrogantly, "Don't miss me, mister."
Josh replies sarcastically, "Well then, you better make it 25."
R.I.P. Seamus
This joke is really just an excuse to use a ridiculous Irish accent.
Mary Mcready was at home boiling potatoes for dinner, and one of her neighbors came up to the window.
"Mary," he said, "I've got horrible news about your husband Seamus. He's dead."
"Oh lord, my Seamus, how did it happen?" said Mary.
"Well," the neighbor said, "we went on a tour of the Guinness brewery, and Seamus fell into one of the vats and drowned".
"Did he at least go quickly?" asked Mary, looking for some degree of solace.
"I'm afraid not, Mary. He got out three times to pee"
Avoiding the crowds...
It was Christmas Eve and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"What?!? That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," he replied.
Answering Machine Message 10
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Hilarious jokes-Billy Joe, the portrait artist
One day, a limousine pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked Billy Joe if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Billy Joe. The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $75,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Jena, his missus.
In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
TEACHER: Donald, what is the c...
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
