The best jokes (1756 to 1770)

Cowboy without a horse

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Scripture?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"

Chess With My Dog

Me: I taught my dog to play chess.
Friend: He must be very smart?
Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!

Stand outside

I'm gonna go stand outside,

so if anybody asks you can just say i'am outstanding.

Photo by Jay Sadoff on Unsplash

The little man...

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots--one for me and one for my best buddy here."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."

With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go get that penny!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure, he talks! Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

A drunk man who smelled like b...

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being withcheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,'then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the manand apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.I was just reading here that the Pope does.

Serving Two Masters

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy."Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

Two 90-year-old women, Rose an...

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb, it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what'sthe bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."

 Where Are You From?

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

Mailman's last day on the job

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Marriage Lottery

"Do you believe marriage is a lottery?"
"No... it's not. In a lottery, a man is supposed to have a chance."

Learning About Democracy

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.

Too Tired To Think

8am: Too tired to think.
Noon: Too tired to think.
5pm: Too tired to think.
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles?

A Time Saver

I ordered new coats for my kids...
For convenience, I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section.

Children For Sale

After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I’d had enough.
“I think I’m going to sell them,” I hissed to my sister.
“You’re crazy,” she said.
“For thinking of selling them?”
“For thinking someone would buy them.”