The best jokes (17986 to 18000)

Was Thoreau a

Was Thoreau a hermit?

The male RMT disliked his fema

The male RMT disliked his female clients. He was a massagynist.

Kremlins are a threat to demogwaicy

#joke #short

So I was driving around the we

So I was driving around the west of Ireland when my car broke down.
Right up the road was a little farm, and farmer Séamus was kind enough to make me some tea and let me stay at the farm while I waited for a mechanic. We were walking around the farmstead for a bit when I spotted this tiny little pig cheerfully limping about on three legs.
"Hey! That pig has got only three legs!" I blurted out, surprised.
And Séamus said, "Ooh, that's Róisín right there. And what a special pig she is."
He continued, "Once I was out in the field on my combine harvester, and somehow my coat got caught on the door and I fell out and landed in front of the machine! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to drag me away I would have surely been mauled to death by my own machine. Ah, and what a special pig she is."
"So that's how it lost its leg?" I asked, naturally.
"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "Just last month Siobhán, my four-year old daughter, was out playing by the well. And she fell into the well! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to pull her out I don't know how I could live with myself. Ah, and what a special pig she is."
"Aha," I said. "So that's how the pig lost a leg."
"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "Only last Sunday, my son Callum was out playing on the frozen lake. But the ice cracked and he fell in the ice-cold water! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to rescue him I don't know what I would have done. Ah, and what a special pig she is."
"So... I guess that must be how it lost its leg?"
"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "But you wouldn't eat a pig that special all in one go, now would ya."

There was a man driving down t

There was a man driving down the road when he ran out of petrol. He went to the nearest house to ask for some fuel. As soon as he opened the door it started to pour so the guy asked to stay overnight. The owner said, "OK, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do don't touch it."
So the man went up to the guest room but was too curious. He went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster. He decided to see what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made faces. He did both these but nothing happened.
So the man went and touched the monster. Up the monster jumped and chased the man all over the country. When the man got to a cliff he thought he was going to die, so he rolled up in a tiny ball.
Then the monster came over and touched the man and said, "You're it!"

Don’t go out when it’s rai

Don’t go out when it’s raining spiders. You risk getting caught in a tarantula downpour.

Queen's Work

Question: Why does a Queen carry a scepter?
Answer: Because everyone works 'cept her!

Why do proctologists become pr

Why do proctologists become proctologists?

Dromedary 

Dromedary – camel that gets annoyed when you milk it.

He Ordered A Double

What happened when a man ordered a double?
The barman brought out someone that looked just like him.

The king who was usurped by a

The king who was usurped by a werewolf was definitely throne for a lupus.

The hardest working torturers

The hardest working torturers take advantage of frequent flayer points.

Women are just as hungry as me

Women are just as hungry as men, according to fAminist theory.

A Pillow Fight

Huge mistake challenging Death to a pillow fight.
I was NOT prepared for the reaper cushions.

Listening to U2 in church give

Listening to U2 in church gives me a mass-ive Bono.