The best jokes (18421 to 18435)

“In other news the co

“In other news the corn gang who has been stalking farmers, but hot tips from asparagus informants have led to their arrests and the police have hulled them in!”

Caesar salad

“Caesar salad means she notices her food.”

 The Biology Song 01

Biology Christmas
THE NIGHT BEFORE DEFENCE
(or A Visit From Citrate)
Twas the night before defence, when all through te lab
Not a gel box was shaking, with stain or with MAb;
The columns were hung in the cold room with care,
In hopes that my protein, I soon could prepare;
The post-docs were nestled all smug in their beds,
While extracts of barley muddled their heads;
With the tech in the suburbs and PI the same,
I had just settled down to another video game.
When out of the fridge there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the terminal to see what was the matter.
Away to the cold box, I flew like a flash
But the stench was o'erpowering and I threw up beef hash.
The mould on the dampest of walls were cold
Had the softness of kittens only seven weeks old;
When what to my view, a thing I despise
But a half eaten sandwich and four tiny mice;
With a little old scientist, so lively and galling,
I knew at a glance was Linus Pauling.
More vapid than undergrads, his charges they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them rude names.
"Now, Watson! Now Francis! You strange little modellers!
On Luria! On Bertani! You stupid old broth'lers!
To the top of the bench, to the top of the wall!
Purify! Purify! Purify all!"
As dry heaves before the commitee meeting, bend
A young student's body and his colon distend,
So up their earlobes, acytes they grew,
With a sack full of antibodies, their skin turning blue.
And then, for a second, I heard from the 'fuge,
An unbalanced rotor spinning something too huge.
Where I put down my hand, to better hear the sound,
Came the snapping of sparks from a wire sans ground.
Pauling's hair was al wavy, and I thought I must be sick
`Cause the curls in his hair looked just like a helix.
On an arm load of oranges, he started to snack
An I recalled his fetish with citrate, the quack.
His eyes were all wrinkled, but the cheeks were yet red;
Not too shabby for a man who was several years dead;
The leer of his smile was just a tad scary
And the snow on his rooftop made his head yet quite hairy;
The end of a pipette, he held in his teeth
And a pile of kimwipes lay around his big feet.
He held a small vial of something quite gel-ly,
A mercaptan no doubt, for it make him quite smelly.
He changed `round the columns, adding to the confusion
And I laughed to spite my own paranoid delusion.
A wink of his eye and a rotation of his head,
Told me whatever I drank would soon leave me dead.
He spoke not a word, just buggered up my work,
And dried all my resins, that silly old jerk.
And separating his middle finger from first, fourth and third,
That crazy, old bugger, just flipped me the bird.
He grabbed up his cohorts and ran down the hall,
And away they all flew, letting me take the fall.
That is why, dear Commitee, I am sorry to say,
I need a five year extension, starting today.

Steamroller accidents

Steamroller accidents can be quite ugly. Luckily I have always been the grader man.

Maids are weapons

“Maids are weapons of muss destruction.”

Lost At the Museum

A professor at a museum noticed his tomb exhibit was empty.
He walks by a little boy who is lost and crying.
He asked the boy what's wrong. "I want my mommy!" the boy sniffed.
The professor said, "I know how you feel, I want my mummy too!"

Only one of the Three Stooges

Only one of the Three Stooges was quoted in the Bible. It was always ‘Mo sez' this and ‘Mo sez' that.

if my bowels had moved

“When the hospital nurse asked me if my bowels had moved, I assured her that they had come with me as I headed to the toilet.”

“What do you call a b

“What do you call a band of leaping insects playing old time music? 'Blue-grass Hoppers'.”

“I've just read that

“I've just read that all the wildebeest in Africa have been replaced with animatronic copies. Fake gnus!”

British top 20 funniest new Christmas cracker jokes for 2020

The TV channel Gold’s eighth annual ranking, which is chosen by a panel chaired by the comedy critic Bruce Dessau, was put to 2,000 UK voters. Check out top 20 jokes.

1. Q: What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song?
A: Driving Home for Christmas

2. Q: Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop?
A: Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate!

3. Q: Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem?
A: All Virgin flights were cancelled

4. Q: Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?
A: They have herd immunity

5. Q: Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown?
A: Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen

6. Q: Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto?
A: Because eventually, it's behind you

7. Q: Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call?
A: Because there was no Zoom at the inn

8. Q: Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?
A: He doesn't know how many tiers it should have

9. Q: What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?
A: They put on a super spread

10. Q: Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time?
A: Home Alone

11. Q: How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly?
A: Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail

12. Q: Why won't Santa lose any presents this year?
A: He's downloaded Sack and Trace

13. Q: How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas?
A: It'll take ages to flatten the curve

14. Q: How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year?
A: Fine. No sweat

15. Q: Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials?
A: Because they only wanted guinea pigs

16. Q: Which government scheme supports Christmas dinner?
A: Eat Sprout To Help Out

17. Q: How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party?
A: Put him on mute

18. Q: How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited?
A: He keeps a logbook

19. Q: Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas?
A: Marcus Rashford

20. Q: Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem?
A: Because they couldn't book a home delivery

Are there racists in Switzerla

Are there racists in Switzerland?

NED: A dog cl

NED: A dog clawed at my anus!
ED: Oh no.
NED: Now I have an injured paws terrier.

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appe

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes
off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions here! It says here 'Answer the following questions in brief'".

Living By The Pen

"You should meet my husband. He makes a living with his pen."
"Oh, so he's a writer?"
"No, he raises pigs."