The best jokes (18436 to 18450)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 18436 to 18450. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Funny jokes-Lies of a Graduate student
Top 10 Lies Told By A Graduate Student
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
2. My job prospects look really good.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article.
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
2. My job prospects look really good.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article.
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
#joke
Funny jokes-TV repairman
Tracy's television was not working, so she called in a repairman to fix it. When the repair guy was almost done with his job, Tracy heard her husband's key in the lock.
"Hurry," she urged the repairman, "You'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console.
Tracy's husband, David came in and made himself comfortable in his favorite sofa to watch some football.
Inside the TV, the repairman was all squeezed up and getting hotter and hotter.
Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore, he climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"
"Hurry," she urged the repairman, "You'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console.
Tracy's husband, David came in and made himself comfortable in his favorite sofa to watch some football.
Inside the TV, the repairman was all squeezed up and getting hotter and hotter.
Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore, he climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"
#joke #sport #football
“I really regretted t...
“I really regretted the inconsiderate comment I made. It was rued.”
#joke #short
The way to achieve true inner peace
Sir Bedevere:
'Now, why do witches burn?'
Peasant:
'...because they're made of... wood?'
Sir Bedevere:
'Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?'
Peasant 2:
'Build a bridge out of her.'
From Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Picture: Rex Features
#joke #short
I am very detail-oreinted.
I am very detail-oreinted.My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
I am sicking and entry-level position.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
I am a rabid typist.
Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Special Skills: Speak English.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot...
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
#joke #doctor
The ancient Phoenician
The ancient Phoenician navy failed to conquer the Mediterranean, but it wasn't for a lack of trireme. #joke #short
1. If you're too open minded,
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to a mosque doesn't make you a Muslim any more than going to agarage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've nevertried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite governmentprogram.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need thetrip.
11. Bills travel faster through the mail than checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of thewaist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeksbefore you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize amistake when you make it.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the realworld.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall nevercease to be amused.
#joke
Knock Knock Collection 127
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Maybelle!
Maybelle who?
Maybelle doesn't ring either!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mecca!
Mecca who?
Mecca me happy!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Medellin!
Medellin who?
Medellin where you don't belong!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Meg!
Meg who?
Meg up your mind!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Melita!
Melita who?
Melita chickadee!
#joke
"What happened to you?" said t
"What happened to you?" said the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed."I decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but I couldn't make it out."
"I decided to go around again, but we went by so quickly I still couldn't read it. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yeah. It said, 'Don't stand up in the car.'"
#joke
Silly Collection 26
Why doesn't the sea spill over the earth?
Because it's tied!
Who was the Black Prince?
The son of Old King Cole!
Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything?
No, what about him?
Now he's trying to invent something to hold it in!
Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit?
So he could tell the time at night!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
A snowball!
Where does a general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!
Why did the burglar take a shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway!
What kind of fish can't swim?
Dead ones!
How do Welsh people eat cheese?
Caerphilly!
Why do polar bears have fur coats?
Because they would look silly in anoraks!
Checking the menu, a restauran
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the table cloth.He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Well, maybe it has a leek in it!"
#joke #food #soup
A man was in a bar all day and
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him."Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
#joke
Lightbulb Joke Collection 54
Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: 5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.
#joke
